New Announcements

03-03-2020: Parts of the COVID Zombie story have been released. This is what the government doesn't want you to know about COVID.

01-04-2020: Chapter 6 To Shoot a Rabbit. Having to take a piss in a tuk tuk in traffic sucks! Chapter 7: Saved by the Brit, Chapter 8: Fucking a Ghost plus an additional 5 more chapters. I've been keeping these chapters unreleased for a bit. Happy New Year!

11-17-2019: What a Life has been released onto youtube.

02-06-2019: So many errors in my shit, but I'm just cranking out the stories for now. Write Drunk Edit Drunker. Chapter 5, He's My Son, Bitch! is now available. It's a story about my mom saving me from an old lady trying to fuck me.

02-05-2019: I'm going beast mode, released Chapter 4, Kee Nok Air and the Black Pagoda. Saw a dead lady, missed a flight, went to Bangkok, and my girlfriend bar fined a girl for me.

02-04-2019: Chapter 3, Welcome to Dollhouse out now. My first time in a bar happened to be on Soi Cowboy.

02-04-2019: Chapter 2, Next Stop, Super Pussy has been released. Read about my adventure to the ping pong show.

02-03-2019: First couple of Chapter for the VoodooLady Journals has been released. Chapter 0, Voodoo Child and Chapter 1, Eat Ass.

01-01-2019: Happy New Year Muthafuckaaaa

Table of Contents


Chapter 0: Voodoo Child

Chapter 1: Eat Ass

Chapter 2: Next Stop, Super Pussy

Chapter 3: Welcome to Dollhouse

Chapter 4: Kee Nok Air and the Black Pagoda

Chapter 5: He's My Son, Bitch!

Chapter 6: To Shoot a Rabbit

Chapter 7: Saved by the Brit

Chapter 8: Fucking a Ghost

Chapter 9: The Banana Tree Ghost

Chapter 10: Fuck You Old Man!

Chapter 11: Back to Debauchery, Baby!

Chapter 12: I'm the Wolfman, Baby!

Chapter 13: I'm Jesus Christ, Baby!

Chapter 14: A Butterfly With a Broken Wang

Chapter 15: COVID Zombies

Chapter 16: Depression and Revelations

Chapter 17: (Beaver) Fever

Chapter 18: Everyone Gets Sick

Chapter 19: Old Man Dies in Nana Hotel

Chapter 20: Man Kills Himself

About the Author


The repercussions of the Vietnam War caused many unforeseeable conflicts for the whole South East Asian region. A total of 1,450,000 Vietnamese, Cambodian, Laos, and Allied soldiers were killed. Another 1,500,000 were killed as the mistrust of Capitalism grew among farmers and politicians during 1975 to 1979. Musicians, artists, intellectuals, and educated men, women, and children were shot down or starved to death. Thailand was the last capitalist stronghold led by King Bhumibol the Great an American born King, versed in many languages and a visionary for the poor. As Laos fell to communism with the death of King Sisavang. Thailand was centered in a “domino”. 

With many cruel happenings, many myths and legends sprung up. Most of the people in these countries believed in Theravada Buddhism, one of the oldest teachings of the Buddhist religion. Theravada Buddhists share many stories originating from the Hindu’s. Afterlife, ghosts, and ghouls wandered the layer of reality we stood upon. These souls were banished from heaven but, weren’t evil enough to go to hell. Their souls remained on our plane of existence.

Note from the Author:

The world of Voodoo Lady is neither real nor fake. It is the edge of reality. The events in this book are subject to opinion as I was drunk or under the influence most of the time. Anything illegal I did or say, I actually didn’t do. That part is all fiction. I just want the stories to be like if Fight Club and Rush Hour 2, had a five-some with a retarded midget ladyboy, and nutted all the words and dialogue in this journal.

These stories are dedicated to my fat cat Kee Bon. I'll be back home to feed you soon don't worry.

Jimmy Oasyc

VoodooLady II Out Now!

Chapter 0: Voodoo Child

I’m sorry my friend, if you are reading this journal, you are now a pervert, on the no-fly list, and maybe on the spectrum of being retarded. There are no refunds on this statement. So please accept my apology as I will take you on a journey my friends. Who am I? You might be wondering. I’m Jimmy, Jimmy Oasyc. That’s how I make a remember-able introduction anyways when any Thai girl asks me the question. I used to go by Jim but, something told me that wasn’t the name I wanted to go by. Later on, I would find out the name actually was slang for pussy in Northern Thailand. I was cursed with a handsome face and an absolutely filthy mind. A dirty world makes a dirty boy dirtier.

Growing up in my early years in Thailand I got into many fights. I liked to keep to myself most of the time but, always enjoyed the laugh with a company of rather lovable assholes. I hated teachers, school, and people who ran faster than me. Fighting was actually sort of fun, except for the part where my farang nose would start bleeding relatively faster than the rest of the Thai boys. I was a bit bigger than them already during that age so I could sometime take on two or three before my nose would crack open.

One time I remember getting a cracked nose right in front of the principle’s office fighting against two of my friends. It was a free for all. I don’t remember being that pissed off during that fight, it might have been just for fun but damn did we sure let each other have it. The last thing I remembered was getting slammed on my face on the hard cement getting up, a bit woozy and realized that my school uniform was fucked. I didn’t cry from the pain. I seldom did, I was more of an emotional crier. But when one of the hot young teachers came out I made sure to cry just so that sexy lady could come clean me right up.

I ended up in the hospital. My dad showed up later with my sister. He was waiting for a while out in the parking lot before the teachers came to get him after school. He was pissed that they took me to an emergency room. He always knew I could take a punch so he wasn’t too worried, except we needed to be home in time for dinner and homework. Plus, he was in a rush to crack open an evening beer and relax with my mom.

Not many people really messed with me because of my size in grammar school. I had a thick linebacker chest that I inherited from my uncle, the Thai Mike Tyson. So how I would get picked with usually was by the even bigger kids that got held back in my class. I spoke three languages fluently; enough to talk shit in those days but I don’t really remember much from my early days. Most of what I remember was just getting in fights, teachers flirting with me and my dad, then me going to the temples way too much. There were monks that lived in the far side of our property in Thailand. I would hang out with them a lot. Turns out they weren’t really monks but criminals hiding out from the law. They were old meth dealers that decided to embrace monk hood in my backyard.

My mom was an entrepreneur through mostly my dad’s money. She was quite busy and I was left wandering, hanging with the monks for my entertainment. They were quite cool actually. They taught me about meditation, tattoos, and how to gamble. They weren’t really the traditional high monks that tourist would think about, they were just regular people with shaved heads in my opinion. Who simply prayed a shit ton. They didn’t drink in front of me but I did see a bottle of rice whiskey around the tattoo bench. And they would send me to the store to buy them whiskey for their tattoos. Of course, I would get a tip out of the deal biking down there. I simply told the Burmese store owners that these were for my dad.

The shelter that the monks stayed in were a make-ship tent and tree house. They took showers out in the open with a dick rag on for when I was wandering around their hideout.

My dad didn’t like those fuckers hanging out in our backyard.

Many people would come visit our jungle temple trying to win the next lottery, or trying to ward off the ghosts that came wondering around their property. Most of the monks were very corrupted so I was involved in many ceremonies setting up the water and candles. They held candles over a pit of water and the wax would make numbers in the water as Sanskrit chants went on. I knew a few during that time. My mom wanted me to be a student monk but I refused to shave my hair.

We had three ghosts that came in through the village one time. These were very beautiful ladies. Goddesses of the underworld. They prayed on married men and especially young boys like me. My mom and many of the village moms made little boy scare crows to be held in front of their front gates, fences, and doors. The village was on high alert that week. My dad of course was pretty stoked for the ghosts. He would leave an open container of sticky rice outside of his bar on the back of the property facing the jungle.

One day I was biking down the street alone in the afternoon, no one was in sight. Then these two ladies approached me on the street a few houses down from my mom and dads. Extremely gorgeous ladies too! Then that’s when I knew I was fucked! All of a sudden, I see one swooping in from behind the trees floating 20 feet in the air.

I ditched my bike, started running the opposite direction away from my mom and dad's and down to my grandma's. Then the one with the pale face and bright red dress and lipstick grabbed me swooped me off the feet. She took me 50 feet in the air and I got a big fear boner. I woke up and told no one what happened. I have officially been possessed.

Chapter 1: Eat Ass

“Is okay, if they sit here?” said the waitress of the 24/7 restaurant on Soi 11 Sukhumvit, Bangkok, the Ginery. I looked at my new girlfriend Maem. She looked pretty tired of my shenanigans as she probably wasn’t drinking as much as I was. There stood the waitress and an Australian dude, probably in his 20’s. He didn’t look too innocent to my eyes. I knew this would be a fun conversation. I already had warned Maem about what would happen if someone sat down due to the drunk rush of closed gogo bars.

“Sure, no problem!” I smiled, truly excited trying to hold in my grin, as I had a game to play. My best friend, TJ, and I grew up in the states messing with random people for our entertainment. It was one of our drunk hobbies. And I felt like I was carrying that very torches to the polite, and casually vulgar culture of the great Kingdom of Thailand.

The Aussie’s girlfriend sat down in front of me and after the Aussie himself sat down. Maem and I were playing a little game of guessing if the dates of each men in the restaurant were prostitutes or not, before I introduced you to my Aussie friend here. His friend looked like a regular girl.

“How did you guys meet?” I asked the guy.

“Friend of a friend actually.” He said back smiling. He had some drinks in him so he wasn’t too shy but, still holding back.

“Oh nice, this is my friend Maem. I met her in hooters.” I went, “For you guys to actually be welcomed here you have to play a game with me.”

“Uhhh, what’s the game?” said the Aussie.

“Well you have to pick someone in this restaurant and point to them and do this...” I tucked my arms inwards in the air forming the motion of spreading an imaginary ass in the air, and putting my face down right into the air booty, with my tongue stuck out between the cheeks. The guy looked slightly shocked.

“I’m going to get beat up.” He laughed.

“I got your back don’t worry!” smiling I then realized more people were sitting down. Even better! His friends were tagging along with him. I believe it was about 4 more who sat. 1 chunky looking Chinese dude, 1 skinny Filipino guy, 1 Filipino girl who looked like she was pretty naughty in her own rights, and 1 more Australian who looked more serious than the first guy and probably couldn’t comprehend too many of my jokes. I have this effect on out of shape meat heads.

“O’ man you guys picked the wrong table! Haha!” My grin growing even bigger. Now I have a good audience. The danger level was also increasing, now I have a big risk of getting my face pummeled in by 4 guys if I offend someone. Fuck it! I have a book to write for you!

I showed the rest of the table the game I invented. I wasn’t going to force anyone to do it. Seemed like these 20-year old millennials were pussies who didn’t like to have fun.

“It’s a thing in America to eat ass, huh?” said one of the guys in the group.

“Not sure I thought everyone liked to eat ass,” now I’m questioning that maybe other people don’t like eating ass as much as me, damnit I am dirty. “Yeah, I guess so, we have songs about it in America.” I grew up with a black friend in the states TJ, that showed me songs basically about everything under the sun or hidden from the sun when we were little kids.

“I respect you and your decision, but I’m just not into that.” said the meat head on the end of the table. There were no more seats in the booth so he was hanging as an outsider of the group. Maybe for a reason.

“Don’t know until you try it bro,” laughing I continued, “The first time I ate ass I saw a UFO.”

“That is the most American thing I have ever heard!” said the first Aussie that I met.

“You saw a UFO!?” said the Filipino guy, Adrian, I got his business card later on for the Flying Fish from Dumaguete City, Philippines. Egg shell, an egg shell business card. My urge to murder for fun rose.

“No UFO is interested in the Philippines!” laughed the first Aussie.

“Well it turned out it was just the NASA unmanned shuttle.” I actually did see this after eating ass a few years before in California. As I was coughing due to something being stuck in my throat after the quickie, a hypersonic blue streak of light heading South East to the Mojave Desert appeared in the night sky of Northern California. “Fuck man, the blue light went so fast that I knew it wasn’t a shooting star!”

“Wait you eat ass!?” asked the girl from the Philippines, looking really excited. She gave me the look like she wanted to have someone eat her ass too. She did have a nice set on her I must admit.

“Yes! That’s what we’ve been talking about this whole time!” laughed the first Aussie. She must have been super drunk because I didn’t understand anything else she asked me after that.

“I’m sorry I don’t understand anything you’re saying.”

“He’s thinking about eating ass, he doesn’t care about what you are saying!” explained the first Aussie. Fuck me this guy was actually a mind reader this whole time! Well he was truly observant on body language at least. As I was probably truly thinking about eating her ass.

The waitress soon rescued my captive audience from my game and took them to a table that a bunch of drunk Asian business ladies and their best gay friend were sitting at before.

“Well it is nice meeting you man, if you want to change it up here’s this.” Adrian handed me his business card for the Boutique Hostel. It’s probably frowned upon to eat Philippine ass in his hostel.

It didn't take long before my next victim sat down at the table. This time maybe I was the victim to some game. I’m not a nationalist by all means however, I do believe America and Thailand on the best countries on the planet. I love my people. And I love to eat ass.

This time a Russian guy sat down with a beautiful African woman. Something told me that this was a prostitute. I might be wrong as he probably thought I was with one myself as Maem was probably looking like she was tired of my shit at the moment.

“Don’t worry I just asked for the bill. How's it going?” this time I’m very cautious of what I say as I’ve had a feeling this wasn’t going to be a jolly drunk American or Russian interaction. Russians have a way of holding their smiles back. Alien to my Californian and Esan temperament. I’m holding a tooth pick to my teeth as I’m ready to leave at this point.

“So so…” he give me one of those unsure quick frowns, “there was a shooting here last week.” Now I’m not sure if I’m dealing with a Russian mobster or what as this guy had the stereotypical cold stare all those Russian mobsters have.

“Wait a shooting?” he got my attention at this point. I was actually in the neighborhood of Soi 11 quite a bit the past weeks. Haven’t heard about anything on the news neither about some getting shot. I’m in disbelief.  

“Yes not good.” He said seriously.

The problem with Russians and American interactions I think is that we were both bred not to trust each other or give away much information. He probably thought I was some sort of drunken drug dealing sex tourist.

There actually was a shooting about two to three weeks earlier when I looked back on this encounter. Some probably drunken jealous farang beat up a police officer because he thought his girlfriend was cheating on him. Well the cop followed him to a lobby of a store or hotel and shot him dead. I believe the cop was on the run still at the time I landed in Bangkok.

“What do you do if you don’t mind me asking?” a gangster movie was playing in my head. I’m hoping that he said he was some sort of arms dealer.

“I mind,” he said with a smirk, “It is not legal…”

“Illegal?” I misunderstood the heavy Russian accent.

“It’s completely legal,” he paused for a moment of suspense, “I work for an airline company. I schedule charter planes.”

I’m now even more curious. I’m thinking he’s definitely some gangster smuggling in drugs or guns. So I tested his feelings about his knowledge of airports and their security.

“Yeah we can't have direct flights from US to Thailand anymore because too many drugs would end up in the US.” That was my theory that night anyways. Years ago, there were direct flights from LAX to Bangkok. Thailand’s airport security rating got dropped to class 2. The coups probably didn’t help this neither.

“What airline do you go through, you should check.”

“United, and I know that we don’t have one.”

“I’m sure you have one just check.” Motherfucker, I know we don’t have one or else I’d have some super gonorrhea by now.

“Either way people love drugs.” I’m prying to see if he is some sort of drug dealer in Bangkok.

“Drugs are bad, don’t fuck with that shit.”

“People need drugs,” I hit a dead end to one of my scenarios that were playing out in my head, time to change the topic and get my fucking bill. “So you live in Thailand?”

“Yes I have a PR, permanent residency.” He replied, quite openly. “The economic and political situation isn’t good in Russia right now so I move to Thailand. To stay away.”

“How did you get the PR?”

“Haha, you can give the money to the company you work for, like a stock. A lot of money. And they give you permanent resident paper to the country.” laughing he gave me a corrupted smile. Probably the first true smile I’ve seen from him. Who would of thought, corporate corruption makes Russians smile. Americans and Russians weren't so diffrent afterall.

Fuck I really want that check to come. ”What the fucks taking that check so long?”

“Remind them again. You speak Thai, use your skill.”

“True.” I look over, trying to escape this awkward situation. Soon the waitress came out with the bill and I was excited to go. The exchange rates were fucking with me. I needed Maem to help me out with the bill. Fuck this trade war.

Chapter 2: Next Stop, Super Pussy

It was a short entertaining taxi ride over to the Patpong district. The driver was a young Thai man that had just recently upgraded his sound system in the Tuk Tuk. We bumped heavy Thai go-go techno, racing to the entertainment. 

“Get there quick, for a big tip!” I projected my voice to the front towards the driver in front of me.

Patpong was an upscale partying district of Bangkok. Many international playboys frequent these streets. Cheap booze and cheap men and women filled the bars and Go-go clubs. I stopped by the ATM strategically located around the block from the Super Pussy club. This was going to be another long night of dead ends but I loaded up on some cash anyways for beer and wine.

A short stalky dark-skinned Thai fellow was standing on the sidewalk showing the lineup tonight at Super Pussy. I heard amusing things about the show.

"Shoot dart out pussy, shoot ping pong ball out pussy, open beer out pussy," He continued "500 Baht to get in."

"500 Baht too much!" I laughed. "I, no rich."

"Okay 400 for you."

He escorted me upstairs to the club. As we were walking up the stairs he warned me, "Watch your step!"

As he said that I quickly tripped and slid down a couple of steps. I don't think he saw me though. Okay, maybe I’m more buzzed than I thought I was. I stood back up and pretended nothing happened.

We enter the club and I was sat down front row from the show. A very dark-skinned bikini cladded go-go dancer sat next me as my hostess for the night. She had a nice thick looking body, in her early 30's I assumed. 

"What is your name?" She asked flirtatiously.

"James, what is your name?" I replied, using my English name. I ordered her a lady drink right away as she seemed attractive and polite. 

"Leena, nice to meet you!" she smiled. The black lights reflected off Leena's eyes in a way that reminded me of the Banana tree ghost I encountered earlier in my adventure.

I struggled to choose my drink as they didn't have my typical light beer selection, Leo, or the usual red wine. I went with a Heineken as I needed to stay with my wits tonight. Don't get trashed far from your room, a rule I learned from my younger partying days in Northern California. As all rules are, they are hard to follow. Especially a rule about consuming alcohol.

The bartender gave her a glass of her favorite poison along with some soda.

"Where are you from?" I asked her my go-to question. 

"Surat Thani, how about you?"


"Where, California?"

"Good guess how did you know that?" I said with amazement of her assumption.

"You look like you are from California!" Leena leaned over close, her eyes lost the devilish glow and I could see she might be human after all. I sat there confused at her sharp intellect. I had my wallet out for a few seconds pulling out money for the drinks but, the club lighting and the way my driver's license sat in a see-through card slot would've made it hard.

"I have to go dance now. You stay here, okay?" Leena massaged my shoulders and walked up onto stage.

Leena was a backup dancer for the main attraction. The ping pong ball shooting, dart pushing, birthday candle blowing, cigarette puffing, and beer bottle opening Jabba the Hutt go-go dancer. 

I was excited and my loud mouth also kicked in.

"Open my beer bottle!" I laughed.

Sensing some disrespect Jabba, the Go-go held up her plastic tip jar. Half empty with small 20-baht tips.

"Big tip to open beer bottle!" I fired back.

Jabba the Go-go was not amused at my school boy antics. She continued with the regular line of tricks. First was firing darts out of her freshly lawn mown sloppy "Jabba" pussy. With her lovely assistances the multi-talented dancer lubed up the end of the plastic blow gun. Jabba the Go-go's pussy was already blown enough that I didn't know why lube would even matter. Maybe it was more for the darts to come out smoothly down the barrel of the plastic blow gun.

Using the power of her whale vagina she sucked in a lung full worth of air. Her lovely assistance inserted the dart into the barrel. A set of balloons were setup right next to a vacationing couple. Jabba then inserted the nozzle into her well used pussy cavity. One of the driest queeves I've ever heard in my life, erupted. It cut right through the tropical house music going in the background.

She hit the target to my amazement but, shooting air out of a vagina wasn't a skill I was impressed of. Call me a critic.

Next show was the birthday cake show. A recording of little innocent kids came on the PA system singing Happy Birthday over a club beat. A vanilla cake was rolled out onto stage by sexy Leena. I can only suspect that the cake would get reused night after night.

Ten or so candles were lit. The blow gun was now used as a funnel for focusing the magnificent mean queef of Jabba the Go-go. The dry wind came out of her vagina again. Knocking two candles out at a time. By the sixth one her pace slowed down. I didn't know that you can get tired from queefing. There must have been an extra pocket in her pussy for all this air. She finished the trick strong and blew out three at once. I'm not sure if it were the ceiling fans that were beating wind against my face at that point. 

The jack-of-all-trades needed to take a break. A smoke break that is. She lights a cigarette and starts puffing away at the cancer stick. Her lovely assistance left the stage to go back to their guests. 

"When is she going to pop open beer bottles?" I asked Leena. My patience was wearing thin. I couldn't stand watching a mean overweight skank blowing air out of her vagina.

"Soon, James have another drink," Leena massages my stiff traveler neck and shoulders, "she save best for last."

I wanted to be sure my money was well spent, I stayed. Leena got me some more overly priced Heineken. It numbed my impatience. 

Jabba was done smoking her cheap cigarette. Vagina tobacco haze filled the club air. I probably inhaled much of it as I was downwind from the fallout. Leena went back on stage.

Next was the ping pong show. Since I was such a special guest. I was directed front and center by Queen Jabba. I followed her orders as I needed some danger to fuel my night.

She shoved three ping pong balls deep into her vagina. I was surprised that she only got three balls in there. Shouldn't she be able to fit at least six? Her vagina looked like she had bored at least a three hippo-babies.

The first one was a laser aimed at my mouth. Dodged it! The second was a knuckle ball. Close call! She had great sleight of hand and reloaded the chamber without me even noticing. Third one was the slowest ball. Not even close! I started sipping my beer, then I feel a warm wet ball whizzing past my face! I didn't get hit by the ping pong ball. The smell of a musty seafood market hit the back of my nostrils.

Beer quickly spewed out of my mouth. I held my cool. In the City of Angels, you'd be surprised how many ways you can be dicked-down if you drop your guard.

Next was the final act! The grand finally.

"WOOOOOH!" I hollered at the stage pumping my arms up in the air.

Three Heinekens were lined up on stage.

Like many magic shows you have to have some disbelief. This was no magic show. The bottles were all straight from factory. Jabba the Go-go inserted the first Heineken down her foxhole. She must have been an educated lady as she knew the physics of leverage. A human can lift up a whole planet if there is a long enough pole.  With my basic knowledge of anatomy, the bottle cap was placed under her pubis.

I hear a loud pop. A little sound of agony sprung through the music. She nicked it! The cap only got bent. The guests in the club are all squeezing their legs together at this point. The show must go on! I could see Leena telling me to move away. I was still front and center. Jabba kept on insisting I stay put. Curiosity of science had control of the situation. I stood my ground. Leena still trying to signal me to move. The rest of the Jabba's backup dancers doing the same.

The second green bottle goes in. POP! A sound I knew well. Instantly my smile died. Beer exploded towards my face. Dirty pussy beer. My eyes got hit wide open. Followed by my mouth and nostrils. It tasted like a warm beer that you left out the night before.

I had enough! I stood up washing my face and eyes with the nearest water bottle. Laughing and totally disgusted I needed to get out of the club before someone recognizes me. Did they serve those opened Heinekens?


Chapter 3: Welcome to Dollhouse

“Welcaum to dauu houd!”

The first Bar I ever went to was a Go-go bar. I decided to celebrate my 21st birthday a month early. What’s a better place than to go to Soi Cowboy on New Year’s Eve? Man, I tell you what, I even went on reddit trying to schedule a meet up with some geeks that were down to party like myself. “I’ll be at the Dollhouse for Happy hour. It’s going to be a booby trap. Look for the guy wearing grey Nikes.” I even tried to schedule a PUA meetup! Some dude was actually down to meet up. He probably got distracted at one of the many bars located on Soi Cowboy. Ended up running into a SQL database engineer, didn’t really like how he was grabbing and tossing the tiny girls around. American strip clubs don’t let you “touch” supposedly. I was out of my element okay, Donny!

The Dollhouse has a special place in my heart, and many people who frequent it between 2015-2017. RIP Darel Davenport. According to Dave the Rave anyways, and a couple of other drunk sources. He actually fell from a balcony of a neighbor's condo trying to unlock his condo.

When I arrived for New Years the floor was covered in little foam balls that would get into every cavity on your clothes and body. I was fishing those things out of my pubes for a couple of days. Couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have a vagina.

Well after a few beers and diving around, playing tag with the girls and hiding in the foam pit of the bar. I managed to lose a credit card. Oops! I didn’t really realize this at the time until the next day. I stayed in there until the New Year’s countdown. Kissed a couple of bartenders and dancers and was on my way to a new bar.

Before the trip my dad actually gave me a list of things to do and not to do. And let’s just say I did all of them because I got shit faced. That was rule number 1. Do not get shit faced in Bangkok, especially above the first floor. It’s a long way down to fight if you have a couple Thai guys on your ass, or in. Hunter S. Thompson should have been the Ampur of Bangkok and made all buildings no more than 2 stories high as that would have saved many white people from dying of mysterious balcony falls. Some women would have also been saved. There was a story of a guy in Pattaya a few years later that was banging the shit out of his date on the balcony of the hotel room. Probably some serious drunk thrusting from behind that launched the poor little woman over the rails. The man went on a run after the horrible accident. He later got caught a few days later. Hopefully he got sober and turned himself in. I’ll have to cross banging on a balcony off my bucket list. Well at least anything above the 2nd story.

I think I ended up at Kiss bar where I met a girl name Woonzin. She barely spoke any English. I barely spoke any Thai, so I needed a translator. That’s where Mind came to the rescue. She was an experienced dancer in her 30’s. I was using my dad’s debit card that he let me borrow for most of the night. He kept only $1,000 in the card so that I didn’t get too crazy or get robbed. Well, I did get a little out of hand between the two bars. One of the rules my dad told me was to not buy everyone drinks, and most importantly do not get two girls. One girl is enough. The irony of being drunk. What the fuck are you going to do when your completely smashed with two girls? This was also before I know about Oral Jelly or dared to take any boner pills.

Well anyways I got the bill, went to the ATM because I ran out of money. A small little woman followed me out to the ATM to make sure that I didn’t run off. Damn they must trust me!

I dialed the pin number in and tried pressed 10,000 baht. Then the unthinkable happened. My fucking bank thought it was fraud, and took my fucking debit card! This actually wasn’t my dad’s card, as I was planning on alternating the cards so he didn’t see how much I was truly spending. And I knew I already spent a shit ton in the first bar. I simply wanted to spread out the load onto my personal card. Well I ended up trying to use my dad’s card anyways. Then the next unthinkable thing happened, I went over the fucking limit. I already had spent $500 earlier in the day, most of it went to the Dollhouse. Shit! This was where I thought, I would most likely get beat up! The good old gang beat scenario I’ve been seeing on Thaivisa.com where all the Thai men come at you like a wild dog.

Luckily the lady saw what had happened to my first card and was trying to help me get my card out, so she truly saw that I was trying to get them the money. Well, she put a lot of trust in me as I told them I’ll pay them later, I just have to go to the exchange. Thai people are funny in a way where they don’t mind the IOU sometimes. In exchange I would have a couple of bill collectors escort me to my hotel room on Soi 4 Sukhumvit to make sure I get a good night's rest and pay my bill in the morning.

Let’s just say it wasn’t a good night’s rest, as my phone began to ring around 1 PM. I’m hungover as a dog. “Hello?”

“Hey James!”

“Dad?!” my voice dry as a sick cat.

“I’m worried about you son, what did you do last night!?” said my dad in a powerful tone.

“I don’t know.”

“Well my bank locked the card,” now I know what this call is about, “you spent over $500, I saw in the statement! Are you okay?”

“Yes Dad, I just got carried away. There was a moment of silence in his voice.

“Well get some rest son, I have to go to work right now. I’ll talk to you later.” I forgot most of what happened that night. 

My dad will always remember, “I just got carried away” as somehow a redeemable and perfect response to my first night at the bars.

Chapter 4: Kee Nok Air and the Black Pagoda

Well after visiting my mom in Nong Bua Lumpu, Maem and I wanted to head to Chiang Mai and later Chiang Rai. I wanted to go check out the Go-Go bars in Chiang Mai mostly. I also wanted to go visit the cave those Thai boys and the soccer coach got stuck in. Who knows maybe I could have been the next international headline, “American Gets Drunk and Stuck in Cave." Free ketamine anyone? Send me a six pack of Chang and beam me some WiFi muthafucka, I’ll be just fine. You know I even went as far as envisioning my interview when I was finally rescued.

“How did you get stuck?”

“A tuk tuk driver told me it was Buddha day and brought me here on the way to my hotel. He told me after we can go get a massage. I traveled halfway across the world after all.”

“How did you survive for a week in the dark all by yourself?”

“I did pushups and masturbated for the first day straight to calm myself down. It had to be done, I’m not proud of it but, I was truly panicking. It helps you relax, you know.”

"What are you going to do now that you are free?"

"Straight to Hooters in Nana, duh."

I had a Google Alert set that told me they were actually filming in a town right next to Chiang Rai for the Cave Rescue movie. Honestly it was one of my goals to crash the set on this trip. Get some extra work, and go back to Bangkok pretending I was some big shot actor on my Instagram.

Well that vision didn’t really manifest and the gods of film let Kee Nok Air fuck me and my girlfriend. I got fucked first then had to watch my girlfriend get fucked by Kee Nok Air. Well I guess I’m going to be on their No-fly list for a bit now. Maem is actually on a different No-fly list I found out earlier. She got rejected by immigration one time in Singapore because she dressed a little too sexy. Singapore doesn’t like sexy Thai women into their country, for a few reasons I would let your imagination figure out.

Kee Nok Air decided to close the gate 15 minutes earlier. The flight was at 6:30 PM, gate closed at fucking 5:45 PM. That bird beak can eat my ass! We got there at 6:00 PM. And I happened to see a dead lady on the road on the way to the airport. RIP. This wasn’t a good day, I’m sorry. That’s also when I coined their new company name. Bird Shit Airlines. I made sure those fuckers heard me. Thai Airways is way better than your broke ass propeller planes. I actually honestly thought I bought Thai Airways tickets earlier but, I guess I might have been drunk, or didn’t really give a fuck, until now.  

"Screw you guys I’m going to Bangkok!" I quickly said and bought tickets straight back to Bangkok. My plan was to go to the bars and bitch about Kee Nok Air all night. By the time we arrived in Bangkok. Maem and I were already a little buzzed trying to wash out our anger. I convinced her that we should just stash our bags at the airport for 200 baht, and just head straight to Patpong. My ex-Hooters girlfriend actually never been to a Go-Go with me before. I don’t know much about women but, one thing I do know is women love to look at other women in bikinis!

I actually took an ex-girlfriend, Nada, to the Hooters in Nana for their Miss Hooters Bikini show. Well Nacha and Jasmine actually tricked me into thinking it was a Bikini show. Turned out it was a full-on beauty pageant. Felt like shooting myself as the bar was so packed that no one was able to get a good drunk in. Plus, I had beautiful hot-headed Nada with me. She was scolding people for blocking her view, bad idea you muthfuckers. I wish I knew what the fuck she said in Thai as it sounded pretty fucking mean. Funny thing is that was also the same Hooters I met Maem in.

As Maem and I arrived to Suvarnabhumi (Su*va*na*poom) Airport we stashed the bags on the second floor and headed down to the basement level to blast down through the Airport Link train system. I highly recommend doing this if you are comfortable with Asian train systems and if you don’t have much luggage. Just take the line all the way down to Phaya Thai station before you transfer over to Silom, Nana, or Asok my party animals. All within 100 fucking baht! Plus, you don’t have to talk to some taxi driver and pay 300+ baht.

We got off at the Silom BTS station, and what do you know? There's a Hooters here as well! America needs to step up our Hooters game. It is lacking these days. The Silom Hooters was alright, it just can’t beat my memories of the one in Nana. It was a short walk cutting through the Soi’s over to Patpong. I forgot maybe it was a tuk tuk because I recently injured my foot at a wedding playing soccer with abunch of little kids. The air was also so terrible that I had to have a mask on. There was so much construction going on in Bangkok that it felt like I smoked 4 cigarettes.

We ended up in Patpong somehow, and I had a cool little hide out that I was going to show Maem. The Black Pagoda.

The Black Pagoda bar is probably the most badass Go-Go bar in Bangkok right now, besides the Dollhouse. You have to take a sketchy elevator to the 4th floor, I think. High enough that it broke my 2-story partying rule. Then the actual bar is suspended in air between two buildings. Overlooking pedestrians down below. Great for people watching, hip thrusting, and rubbing your nipples on the window pointing at random Chinese dudes down under. Yeah, I was that guy.

Maem looked nervous at first. I’m actually not sure if her ex-boyfriend ever took her to the Go-Go. It’s weird to think I’m just that dirty fuck who would. Like father like son, I guess.

To tell you the truth, I came to the Black Pagoda about 4-5 nights ago. I came with Elle, who I happened to run into at Rainbow 2 in Nana Plaza a night before. I was partying with Mok the hotel manager, trying to seduce her into giving me a free hotel room with my song Bye Angle. Earlier that very same night, Panida kicked me out of her mom’s house after her sister's wedding. She sent me to Soi 4 in a red taxi meter car. I was crying all the way there hoping that I didn't have to tip the taxi driver. Who's going to demand a tip if someone is sulking in the backseat?

As we sat down in a good spot next to the large single pane windows overlooking the alley, a Go-Go dancer came up and said my name.

“Jame, good to see you again!” said a random Go-Go dancer. I soon realized it was Amm. Oh shit! I was actually hoping she would have ignored me. I noticed that many Thai girls aren't shy to come up to you when you have a date. Growing up in America women were actually pretty good at pretending they don't know you. Or they do to me and my friends anyways.

“Hey, how are you?”

“I'm fine. Thank you for coming to see me!” smiled Amm.

“Haha, no problem, I missed you! This is my girlfriend Maem.” in my mind I’m hoping she doesn’t spill the beans the I came here a few nights ago. Sorry, I just happen to think this bar is so fucking sick that I had to come back! A wise man that had some self-control would have probably been home drinking a beer, watching football, and screwing his girlfriend instead.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Amm.” then she did the exact thing I was hoping she would not do. They both started speaking in rapid fire Thai to lose me. They both know that I can actually understand some Thai especially random key words that I painstakingly retaught myself after losing the language 13 years ago. Americanization and assimilation are bitches. This is one of the reasons I don’t trust the school system in the US. Do they really know what’s better for the global economy? Some drunkard is sitting in their cubicle in San Francisco typing up these textbooks. When you think about all the great writers that have substance abuse problems. Wouldn't you think some virgin pedophile baboon is probably typing up your textbook?

“You know her Jame?” asked Maem, saving her face, but I know she’s pissed off. It takes a lot for a Thai lady to show their pissed off emotions sometimes. They can keep their hearts very cool but, when they do snap, you are in for a treat!

“Yes babe. I don’t remember what happened that night.” I overheard them talking about Elle. Fuck! A lot of gibberish occurred I’m in the point that I don’t even give a fuck anymore and just want to enjoy my drink as I knew I didn’t fuck any of them that night so I was in the clear. Amm was just doing her duty of giving Maem all the gossip about me. Somehow, I proved to be a good boy.

Well everyone was in the cool now, including Maem, I think. More and more drinks were bought on my tab for the two ladies. I had 3,000 baht to my name at the time after getting some doe back for a security deposit for a rental car in Esan. Well 2,800, there was a dead lady on the road, and I couldn’t make it to the gas station to fill up my gas tank. Maem translated that to the car rental company but, I doubt she included the dead lady. The Thais view death way different from us Americans the more and more I re-experience my childhood culture.

Amm wanted to get bar fined, to avoid dancing on some fat old fuck in the bar. I actually love when a small lady dances on a fat old fuck. It brings tears of humor to my eyes. I spent most of the night watching that happen actually when Maem and Amm were talking about how much of a fucking dog I am and my love of Som Tum and Beer Chang.

“Babe I want to see you kiss her...” I said to Maem buzzed as fuck.

“Nooo, I not do!”

“C’monnnnn.” I grabbed them both by the back of their shoulders and moved them closer. They were both pretty tipsy at this point I would imagine.

“I cannot babe!” Maem recoiled.

“C’monnnn it’s funny!” I laughed. Seriously don’t know why girls hang out with me sometimes. Guess I just don’t give a fuck sometimes. Amm was totally into it. Maem is a closet tomboy however, I knew her feminine side, she couldn’t resist a drunk girl on girl kiss. She went for a quick smooch. It wasn’t the best or the worst as there were no tongues.

“Can I go with you two? Go dancing” Amm asked. She knew I was a good dude who just liked to have fun like last time.

“Up to her.” I pointed to Maem.

“Why up to me? Up to you.” Maem was a little ticked off. Well she did say up to me.

“Yes, I want to take her, but I don’t have enough money, so up to you.” I’m thumbing through my wallet and most of it is still in US currency. The exchange rate was 29 baht to 1 dollar at the time so I wasn’t fucking with it. Fuck that! USA #1 baby not going to give you my money on that exchange rate.

“Bpai hong nam. Baep nueng ka.” Amm stood up and went to the rest room. Sidenote, the restrooms in the Black Pagoda are fucking hilarious. It isn’t one of those shared bathrooms where the girl comes up to grab your dick but, it is definitely an interesting one. The mirror in there is see-through. You can see all the girls on the other side of the mirror. I was very shocked at first. One of the Go-Go girls told me a few nights ago she saw some guy masturbating at the girls through the mirrors. Hahaha good thing I got a haircut recently. The face and hand motion the cute girl performed definitely looked like my vinegar strokes.

As Amm went to the restroom, Maem decided to pay the barfine for me.

“It’s okay you two can come to my condo together.”  

“Wait, what? I was just joking about taking a shower together.” I said with a look of amazement and disbelief. Yes, I did make a joke about a group shower together, and it seemed like she was drunk enough to see what the fuck I would do. I knew this was a test. “Up to you baby.”

Amm came back and was in amazement that Maem paid her bar fine. I’m feeling like a pimp, even though I’m at least $60 poorer from the drinks. At least I got two dates now, fuck you Jeff Bezos.

Maem was pretty wasted at this point. We waited for Amm to get dressed into her street close. We then headed out of the club. The elevator was once again fucking up. Hence, why I have a 2-story rule for partying, especially Bangkok. We grabbed a Tuk Tuk and headed to Soi 11 Sukhumvit to the Sugar club, a hip-hop club.

Maem was pretty fucking wasted at that time, and pissed at me that she bar fined a girl. I knew I was walking on eggshells so I actually only got 1 Corona there and just drank coke after. Maem drank at least 3 more mixed drinks after 1 Corona. Amm kept to my pace too as she was trying to give me hand jobs under the table when Maem got too wild and wanted to show of her dance moves to the whole club. Well the main reason I wasn’t drunk was that I was taking medication for a stomach infection. By the time I reached the Sugar club the medication had worn off and I was pissing out of my ass for a couple of songs. Luckily, I became accustomed to the ass sprayers in the bathroom. That shit got me so clean. I mastered the bar room shits, I later told my friend TJ in the States. He beat me with a story that the first bar he ever went to he took a shit in it too. What an animal!

TJ actually told me that Rae Sremmurd was playing in Thailand that same week. Well they were playing in Phuket. I was currently in Bangkok. There was a feeling in me though that told me that they would end up in Bangkok. Sugar club would have been the venue if they did.

While blowing my ass out in WWIII I hear one of Rae Sremmurd’s songs getting played and I blasted my ass with one last spray of water and rushed out of the toilet in excitement. Yes, I told that muthafucka that they were going to be here. I’m smelling like shit at that time; both my ass and mouth reeked. I bought restroom gum, super sketchy. And ran out the restroom after a quick massage. Just a neck massage.

Fuck! It’s not even them. Just some fuckers doing a cover. Pinched my shit for nothing. I headed down to find my dates. Maem is fucked up now she’s falling on the white girls. Had to grab her one time as she was about to eat shit falling towards a European girl smoking her cig. Quit smoking please!

I decided that we should just call it a night. Hate when I’m not the drunk one sometimes. As we got out of Sugar, Amm was ready to head home as well. I’m not that kind of guy that would fuck two girls if I risk jeopardizing a good girl. Call me dumb or wise that is just me, I wanted to be sure Maem was taken care of as she takes very good care of me.

Maem loves to fucking walk. I hate fucking walking in Bangkok. Especially with the current air conditions. Heavy metal particles, fuck that! As we were walking back to Soi 23, Soi Cowboy, to Maem’s apartment, she spotted a rat. It was a cute little bugger. I love rats. They are so cute, used to have many pet rats growing up. The wet season rats are something else however. When those fuckers show up in the bars, they usually roam in some kind of pack. Oversized Thai rats, you’ve never seen such big fuckers before.

Well she fucking showed no fear and started to charge it. Rushing towards it. I couldn’t help myself but encourage her.

“Kill it!” I shouted on the late-night side walk. Many street light butterflies were looking at us as Maem raced into a small alley fighting that little fucker. It got away but I was dying in laughter! Esan girls, man! Gotta love them.

As we got back to her condo. I grabbed her and held her over the pool upside down dangling her, just to mess with her. Throwing someone upside down when their completely wasted is a dick move. She got way more drunk after I brown her on to solid ground again. Gasping for air she let me have it haha. We went inside her condo right outside the pool and called it a night... and fucked Kee Nok Air!

Chapter 5: He's My Son, Bitch!

During my first trip back to Nong Bua Lumpu, Thailand I was reunited with my mom and a long-lost friend named Moose. His dad, Michael and my dad were good buddies back in the day. My sister and I went over to their Esan Resort Hotel many weekends. We both hung out with Moose, his sister Ruby, and a couple of other village girls. My dad and Michael would go out playing golf on the resort or drink upstairs while my mom and Michael’s wife, Nan, shared the latest gossip around town.

Moose and I would geek out and play Pokemon Sapphire and Ruby for hours on end. He knew how to clone the Pokemon in Pokemon Crystal which was so fucking badass considering we were out in an Esan town in Thailand. This was probably the first “hacker” I’ve ever met. This was also around the time of Y2K. All the banks in Thailand were rushing to get their systems patched up. Funny how primitive the technology was but, we were still able to do so much in a remote village.

When I arrived back in Nong Bua Lumpu, I immediately wanted to see Moose. We had some catching up to do and I was hoping that he had some hot dates lined up for me at least. Well that wasn’t the case obviously as I wouldn’t have any hot dates lined up for him in my small California city neither. If we were in Bangkok, we could have definitely done some damage in honor of our fathers.

We did some pregaming with his friend, Porn. I recently broke my phone so I don’t really know his name. For the sake of the story his name is Porn, okay? It’s actually a common Thai name.

The remanence of the Esan Resort was now a mini village on its own with many of the relatives of Nan now permanently living in the bungalows. Probably a better gig getting rent money than getting hotel stays. White people don’t venture too far into Esan unless their girlfriend they met in Bangkok or Chiang Mai happened to live in that province. There is probably the equivalent to no Chinese tourist as well in my home province of Nong Bua Lumpu even in today’s rise of the middle-class Chinese tourist.

Well they threw a little mini party for me. Had speakers and a bunch of Chang lined up. I even scored a souvenir Singha mug from one of the mommas in the village. This was also one of the first instances where I re-engaged into the customs of my lost culture. Eating on mats out in the front of the house with loud speakers going on. All ages welcome to the party. I cracked up my hosts when I saw the little kids play and said “Adults act like little kids when they are drunk.” Of course, I needed a translator at that time.

After I got pretty fucking drunk already, I decided that Moose, Porn, and I needed to head to the bars!

“Don’t worry mom, I'll ride on Moose’s motorcycle. He say it not too far away.” I switch to broken English a lot when speaking to my mom. I call it Engleesh.

“No son not safe!” she said worryingly, “Me and Way will drive you two!”

Porn actually had a League of Legend match he had to finish up, so he would be joining us later. The dude actually had a car, but he had also been drinking and doing some other substances, I’d imagine. I wasn’t tight with them yet so I wouldn’t know but, later on that night I had a feeling some substances had been mixed.

My mom dropped Moose and I off at a cheap local bar that all of the young Thai adults go to. I bought Moose and myself as much beer as possible as we caught up on old times. Most of my questions were about girls as you would have imagined. I told him about the time my dad came rescue his dad on the border bar next to Laos during a drunken bar binge. We call it a “visa run” in our families.

Porn finally showed up and we all went to the “pub”, a rock n’ roll bar with coyote girls! That place is so sick! I’m actually still laying low from that place because I tried to smash some dude with two Singha bottles because he shoulder checked me right in the jaw. That is for another chapter.

I had a great time at the pub the first time. I kept the drinks coming for my Thai friends as they took me under their wing. Every time the band needed a break or there was a transition to another band the DJ would turn on some house music. At that time, I was very focused on being a house music DJ as a side gig. I was dancing my ass off during the transitions. A lady came up to Moose and Porn and started talking to them. She was a little heavy set, and definitely in her late 30’s. I thought it was just their friends. She was dressed in some seductive cheetah print pants, so I figured she was rock n’ roll. I got to talking to her. It’s been so long now that I forgot all that we said. But I loved her earrings and tried one on. Fucking disgusting. Later on that night I asked if that lady had diseases because I just stuck her earrings in my ear. Moose half puking gave me that “WTF are you talking about stare.” Shit I forgot to tell you guys, I’m actually a hypochondriac and germaphobe. Ex-girlfriends never believed me on that one.

The show dragged on and I ended up getting pretty hungry. We were all pretty fucked up on Singha at that time. I didn’t trust Porn to drive me to the restaurant as I had a decent sized bill for the three of us. So I decided to ride with the older lady. Turned out Moose and Porn actually didn’t really know her. Thai people are so friendly even to strangers, a westerner would have thought they were longtime friends.

Moose sat outside of the pub puking between each puff of his cig. He actually disappeared for a little bit when I was in the pub and I found him outside throwing up on a bench. I rubbed his back in good Thai gesture. Something westerners need to learn how to do to sooth the stomach of your puking friend. Porn got the car started up and Moose as a true champ walked over and got in there.

I wasn’t going to get into Porn’s car as I didn’t trust a young drunk Thai driver just yet. The lady happened to be tagging along not too far from us and she was down to go grab some food with us. I hopped into the woman’s little pussy-ass fuel efficient car. As soon as the car doors locked and the engine was started, she leaned in and grabbed the side of my face for a smooch. I was so drunk that I didn’t really give a fuck, plus the car was moving now. Honestly it was pretty funny to me.

Bumping some Thai rock, we quickly arrived to the restaurant on the main road of Nong Bua Lumpu. I had a drunken filthy tray of fried rice and the lady fed me every bite. My mom at that time was blowing up Moose’s phone trying to find out where the hell we went. Like any good mom, she started to drive around the town to every restaurant. I managed to talk to her on the phone but, she couldn’t understand my drunken Engleesh, and plus I had absolutely no clue where I was.

My mom did find me sitting at the front of the restaurant with an old chubby Thai lady feeding me some Khao Pad Gkai. She quickly grabbed me without paying the bill and took me back to my hotel room. I didn’t remember much about that car ride.

My mom told the receptionist to not let anyone come to my hotel room. And she headed off to stay at her room at the rice factory. Well, the lady decided to follow my mom. As my mom just grabbed me without even speaking to her, she thought my mom was my girlfriend. The lady tracked my mom all the way to the rice factory trying to fight her. If I knew what truly got said between the two women at 2 AM in the morning fighting over me I would need a new spleen. It probably went something like this.

“Bitch! Why did you take James away from me? Come out and fight me bitch!”

“He’s my son! Why are you going after young boys, fucking fat slut!”

That’s the rough translation of what I gathered from third party sources and my mom mentioning it as well. Meanwhile I was passed out in a Singha coma.

My mom came to get me in the morning. She said she could smell the beer all the way from the hallway. It was time for me to go visit the temple as my punishment. My mom will never forget that night, I have to hear about it for the rest of my life now as word got out around town and throughout the rest of my family. I blame Moose.

Chapter 6: To Shoot A Rabbit

The first night of landing in Bangkok I have a long tradition inherited by my father and many other Bangkok rats called, blow out on the first night, or two. I never had a name for the sequence of events but, an ex GoGo owner I met in Pattaya coined that one for me. The blow out can mean many different things to people. I thought it was just for partying hard and letting out steam on the first day and night of your vacation. Well now that I think about the blow out it is actually very relevant to what a lot of people go through. I’m not much of a puker in my days of drinking unless I had a stomach bug or got my head jarred fast while drunk. And I’m not into ladyboys, no matter how much I joke about it. So, there is no blowing at all in those regards. I’ve shit my pants a couple of times here and there but, that was in my home setting where I can fully commit and trust a fart. You just can’t trust a fart. 

Let me back up. You probably already know where this is going.

It was sometime in the summer of 2017 I believe. I was meeting up with my friend Pan, I believe 3 other girls. Yes, there were 4 girls tonight that I would be partying with during the blow out. I’m able to blast straight down to Nana in a taxi in 40 minutes these days. That includes getting a hotel room and swapping my clothes. The damn tickets always have me landing around 11:00 PM at night. Which is part of the blow out equation.

Pan, one of my best friends, was a tall Thai lady, around 10 years older than I was. These Thai ladies do not show their ages for a long time. She grew up on the outskirts of Bangkok only around thirty minutes away in Sai Mai, Bangkok. She had a tall frame for a Thai lady, her skin was also darker than most city girls for some reason. You can tell she makes a lot of effort in taking care of herself, besides the drinking and occasional cigarette I’d say she’s healthier than most American women her age.

As I rolled up to Nana on Soi 4, I had the airport Taxi driver drop me off at the Sports Bar where I had first met Pan a year ago. We quickly went to my suite on the top of Boss Suite Nana Hotel on the far end of Soi 4 past the grade school. Quite strange there is a grade school on a wild road like Nana. When kids come to school there are already drunk farangs and ladyboys walking around outside of Nana Plaza. Which is only a quarter of a mile away!

I quickly changed to my partying outfit, with some skinny jeans that stunk of burnt denim. No wonder they were so cheap when I got them! Got my button up going and we were off to the Sugar club with the rest of the girls.

Now the Sugar club on Soi 11 isn’t my most favorite club in Bangkok as I never really liked the music played there. It was too much of an American Hip Hop scene. I wasn’t in Bangkok to do the listen to old Hip Hop songs that have been played out in the states. I really actually enjoy the Thai GoGo club music and the rock cover bands Bangkok has to offer.

As we were walking down to the end of Soi 4 where it touches the main Sukhumvit road, a fat gay pre-op ladyboy recognized Pan and the rest of the girls we were partying with. He was wearing some short shorts, with a flat ass, no titties implanted yet, and a big beer belly. A short bowl cut lined his chubby face with caked on purple makeup along his eyes. It’s as if he woke up and said “fuck it I’m a ladyboy this year!” Poor bastard, I can’t imagine what kind of dude would be getting with this person. The ladies decided to let him tag along with us. Soi 11 isn’t that far of a walk to get down there. I started to chat up this interesting character. I felt sorry for such a confused mind with a sweet heart. It was just the usual small talk of “where you from?”, “what’s your name?”, and “nice to meet you.”

He was very polite always answering in “Ka” as much as possible. I thought it would be funny if people saw me with this poor son of a bitch, so I held his hands for a bit and asked for a picture with him. But he actually had his eyes on a Tuk Tuk driver and left me hanging! “Tuk Tuk driver, so handsome, I like him.” our stubby ladyboyfriend said. I’m cracking up that he dissed me like that. There might actually be some picture floating on someone's Facebook or phone of that night with my gang of girls and ladyboy.

We showed up to the Sugar club and the bouncers actually didn’t let our ladyboyfriend inside, due to impolite clothing! I believe the reason was because of his amazingly short pair of shorts that had his flat ass cheeks hanging out or maybe it was the shoes. I forgot either way, it was just me and the girls now. We got our drinks and got a table on the left side of the stage. Man, was I excited and looked like a million bucks with these lovely girls around. Most of the club goers were African guys that went there with their buddies to check out the scene. The look on some of their faces were priceless “this lucky fuck...”, I enjoyed the attention. One of Pan’s friends, Nam, a cute blue haired thin girl just kept the drinks coming for me. There was no thought of pacing myself that night I recalled. Two gulps and the whole bottle of Heineken would be gone and I’m off onto the next beer. Maybe I was just catching up, and it was a late start to a party night after all, so I needed to get drunk fast. One of Pan’s friends made the comment to her after that night “I turn around and he finish beer laeo!”

Well I wasn’t too drunk and shared cigarettes and a vape pen with the girls. I was still firing off on all cylinders. We decided to hit up the Shock club on Soi 39 New Petchaburi Road. Tom, the linguist, and I came here last year, and had a wild night where his phone ended up getting stolen, accidental boners on the dancefloor, malfunctioning elevators, and almost hooking up with a 50-year-old Thai woman. Well this time it is going to be different and I’m hopefully going in with some experience now. The Shock was a rave like scene in a what I would call seedy building. It had a vibe that this whole operation was illegal. The club didn’t obey any curfew laws neither, and would operate till 10 AM in the Morning. I haven’t pushed it that hard so I don’t really truly know when it actually closed but, I was in there until 9 AM one time.

We get up to around the 7th floor where club was. This totally is breaking my above two-story rule. But I had four sexy Thai girls as backup, just in case I end up having to fight my way down. Bring it Donkey Kong!

Of course, immediately I started to pound down as much beer as possible as the Taxi ride all the way down there made me a little tired. My beer tank was running low, and the girls yet again kept the drinks flowing. Man, was I living like a king tonight? My old friend Kyle who I lived with during my first year of College once told me, “When you are feeling pretty damn good, that’s when you know you should start shutting it down muchacho.” Like I said earlier, tonight the thought of pacing myself never crossed my mind!

I began to take a liking to Nam for some reason. Pan actually had a serious boyfriend around the time. Even though she did like me, I didn’t want to come in between her relationship as she had her daughter Perry to take care of. I’m just not ready to become a step dad just yet. Being an uncle is way better. I loved the way that Nam danced for some reason. It reminded me of a GoGo girl, and I asked her to give me lessons right away. Following her dance moves we began to dance pretty good together. Pan was getting a little jealous, and moody as she had to get up early and go to the police station because a worker at her Salon did something bad. Few more beers in and Pan had to leave. I don’t remember her even saying bye to me and I might have been a little too drunk to even know. By the time I realized Pan was gone, I too became a little grumpy. “Damnit totally not going to go home with her tonight,” my reptilian brain thinking.

I decided to make even more moves on Nam.

“Want to go with me to my hotel?” I asked Nam.

“No, I can’t do that to Pi Pan! She is like sister!”

That’s about the only thing I remember from the conversation and I wasn’t going to keep trying to seduce her into going back with me as that would end up ugly for all three of us.

I wondered off to the lobby area on the same floor still where it was a bit quieter. Some how I managed to have a beer, and wandered to a table of 3 girls. Drunken and incoherant, I absolutely do not remember what I was taking to them about. Then Nam walked up and said “I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“I’m right here! You not want me!” I laughed.

“Oi Jame!”

Then somehow I managed to take the elevator all the way to the street level. Walked myself a few blocks over to another group of girls. Well it turned out two of them were girls, and one was a ladyboy. The ladyboy wasn’t too pretty and she was a little heavy set. But, regardless she was very sweet and let me join there table to eat. One of the girls there was a total looker that I was sitting across from. I ordered what the girls were having. Some kind of spicy noodles and meat ball soup. The total looker wasn’t really into me as she couldn’t understand English. Most of the time, I just talked to the ladyboy and she became my translator. Of course, in this situation you need to work your charm on both of them to get a good outcome. Then all of a sudden, I heard my name.

“Jame, what the fuck? I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” It was Nam. She quickly grabbed my arm tossed me into a Tuk Tuk, without me even getting a chance to pay for the breakfast, leaving the ladyboy and her girlfriends there to cover my bill. I was so out of it I was on my way back to Nana without even knowing about it. Nam actually didn’t ride with me. She gave the Tuk Tuk 200 baht and sent me off.

It’s fucking 8 AM probably, as the sun was already up and beginning to cook up the early morning smog, and there’s a shit ton of traffic. Bangkok traffic is one in the top 10 worst in the world according to Bloomberg; worse than Los Angeles and New York. I’m slouching down in the backseats as I’m fully tanked and bordering a hangover. Then I felt the extreme urge to pee. The traffic was only moving a couple of meters a minute it felt like.

“Ting ka yaa!” I voiced out to the Tuk Tuk driver. He nodded his head. Sitting more relaxed now thinking I’d be relieved soon. After a few minutes, I realized he didn’t stop the Tuk Tuk to take me to a pee spot.

“Ting ka yaa!” I again projected towards the front of the three wheeled motorcycle. Shit! Why isn’t he pulling over? At this point I was in total agony from the beer filled bladder. I had to do something quick before something ruptures and I’m peeing blood out of my dick.

I decided to relieve some pressure by just letting a little out. Yes, I was still in my jeans. I’ve never done this maneuver before and I don’t condone it. I let out a squirt of warm beer piss. It felt pretty good running down the left side of my pants. Now I have a different problem, I couldn’t shut the dick valve! I’m panicking now as my burnt denim now started to turn a shade darker. Piss started coming out of the bottom of the pant leg

“Ting ka yaaaa!” I’m crying out this time panicking. The Tuk Tuk driver somehow was in the vicinity of a trash site under an overpass. I dashed out of the Tuk Tuk to the mountain of trash under the main road and let out the best piss of my life. Another Tuk Tuk driver actually followed me down there to do the same. Guess it was a good peeing spot that he was saving me for.

As I’m walking back to my ride, I’m telling the Tuk Tuk driver that I’m super sorry about the pee. He looked at the wet seat in the back with disappointment. Luckily it was clear beer piss. This was Thailand after all, people are quite forgiving for these types of things. Later on, I found out that what I was saying, “Ting ka ya” actually meant throw trash. I was supposed to say “Ying gkra dai” meaning to shoot a rabbit. Shooting the rabbit is a phrase in Esan for taking a piss.

I get back to Soi 4 and my brain is completely fried. I couldn’t find my hotel, as the Tuk Tuk driver dropped me off a few blocks away from it. I think I didn’t even pay him as Nam paid him already. Probably should’ve though for the piss, just for karma points as I would’ve needed it the rest of that day.

Chapter 7: Saved by the Brit

It was the night after my first ever official blowout in BKK. I was heading back to Soi 23, the infamous Soi Cowboy. My initial intentions were to retrace my steps and get my damn credit cards back. The first nights in Bangkok, I actually walked everywhere as possible so I didn’t get too lost in this jungle. It was probably one of the smarter things I did during this first trip. Be extra cautious when you are sober so when you are drunk it can compensate. It’s the Ying and Yang baby!

I also don’t even risk crossing these streets to be honest. Well, never cross the street alone. I almost got ran over the very first time in Bangkok. The Thais do not slow down for white skinned people I feel. I wouldn’t blame them, I’d want to take some of these pedophile scumbags off the street sometimes. Walking down all the way to Soi Cowboy for the second night in the row I didn’t really see too much. The air was its usual smoggy thickness but a little better from what it is now in recent years. Arriving at the Asok station I did the overpass cross to avoid any accidental death situation. Or a steep hospital bill as I never had any travel insurance. Another reason I believe in the 2-story partying rule. Even getting a hotel with a beautiful balcony increases your chances of dying drastically in the City of Angels. Wouldn’t recommend that fall if I were you.

As I off the stair way onto the sidewalk leading up to go-go bars, I saw very beautiful woman from the distance. Long hair, big tits and nice legs. I believe I was even completely when I saw her. Or maybe a beer or two was in my system. Regardless, she was quite a looker. Dressed in a Chinese high red collared dress, she looked very stunning in the chaos of Bangkok. She sat staring off in the distance at me as I walked down the stairway. I remembered her being all alone at the road side beer bar. Late at nights these random beer bars tend to spring up everywhere in Bangkok. They actually offer the best prices sometimes when you are looking for a quick pick-me-up.

Walking passed her I played it quiet and cool as I never really had the fuck it type of confidence until after this trip I feel. Entering into Soi Cowboy was actually relatively quiet back then compared to these past years. My father would probably say the place is a sausage fest compared to what it was years before. No doubt there were still quite a lot of girls, probably not as high class as he remembered these girls being back in the day. Western diets has really taken a toll on the Thai people. Our dicks got bigger but so did our bellies. 

Venturing into all of the previous night's haunts I wasn’t able to find my lost credit card. I did however cancel it already so it wasn’t much of a hope but, still would have loved someone to approach me with the card and say that she found it stuck between her ass cheeks. It was funny how many ladies were screaming in excitement now once they saw the spoiled young farang back in again. Hopefully it wasn’t a ladyboy or a dude. I ended up meeting up with Woonzin and Mind for a couple beers. Arriving there around 1:30 AM due to blowing out my ass all morning to what I thought was a hangover, turned out to be a bad case of food poisoning that I would carry for a few days after before it fully hit.

I said I’d stay around for them to get their street clothes on to go out to party some more tonight. They were taking a bit too long so I dipped out of the go-go bar as I wasn’t feeling too good from the crazy night before.

 Walking back towards the Asok station overpasses again, a road side bar girl approached me asking me to bar fine her for 500 baht. I said I only do it for 400 baht and kept moving on. As I kept walking further towards the BTS Asok, my eyes crossed paths with the looker in the red Chinese dress. I decided to walk up to her road side bar and have a drink as there was already another farang sitting there. A British guy from what I heard through his accent.

“Sa wad dee kup” I greeted politely.

“Sa wad dee ka” She waiing back, her breasts were quite large compared to most Thai chicks I’ve ran across lately.

“How much for a Chang?” I asked pointing at the drink. I’m sure I asked her name in the sentence too but, I don’t recall what it was.

“120 Baht ka,” she replied, this is actually a tad expensive for a roadside beer, something around 80 to 90 baht is more preferable these days I’ve realized. Especially for a short pitstop.

“Ok, no problem!” on my first trip to Thailand I was extremely rusty in Thai. I didn’t want to come off as a typical farang either so I would give away the information that I was actually half Thai, a luek krueng.

“Do you mind?” she asked pulling out a cigarette, “and where are you from?”

“No problem,” that’s a Thai person’s favorite phrase if you haven’t noticed, “I’m from Udon Thani originally, how about you?” Not too many city people know where Nong Bua Lumpu is as it used to be part of Udon Thani, so I usually resort to Udon Thani as being where I’m from. Growing up in the United States I even had to bump the city to Bangkok when I’m trying to explain someone where I’m from. Funny thing is, more kids know about Bangkok than Thailand. I blame Rush Hour 2 and American Pie.

“Oh wow, you are from Udon? I from Ubon,” she said very relaxed, “Do you speak Thai?”

“Yes, Nid Noi.”

“Luek Kreung?” she asked if I was a half Thai and foreigner child.

“Yes, I left Thailand when I was young now, I live in California.”

“Where in California?”

“Hollywood,” I don’t think a young bar girl can really picture Northern California, “north of Hollywood.”

“Oh, wow you come far,” her relaxed attitude is quite pleasing, “can I get one more drink?”

“Sure, I’ll have another one as well.” I’m pointing towards another Chang. She ends up getting a Leo. As she moved around, I was able to fully check out her body. Was pretty good looking, I’ll admit. But something about it was a little suspicious especially about her fit looking arms and her red Chinese dress had a high collar on it.

“I like Leo, better than Chang I think.” She said.

“Really I never knew! I should have been drinking that last night!” I laughed.

“Yes, how old are you?”

“Yee sip, how about you?” meaning twenty.

“I am yee sip suang” she said, meaning she’s twenty-two. And I believe around this time I said something smooth stroked her surprisingly thick hair and she started to blush a little.

In the corner of my eye I see that the old British man that I first saw sitting at the bar was now making out with obviously was a ladyboy. He was pretty damn hammered himself, so I’m not judging. But, it was pretty damn funny to see.

“Do you go to school?” I asked the lady in the red dress.

“I go before. I study English.”

“Wow that’s why you speak so clear.” For a young woman she was actually pretty fluent for her age. There was something different about her. I had a vibe like she was one of my best friends. Very relaxed to talk to. She shifted her legs a little bit and I’m looking at her legs now checking it out. The bottom of the dress bunched up around the waste slightly and her legs looked really nice. Good strong suckers, I like.

“Oh, thank you ka! Do you go to school or work—”

“Aye mate, how’s it going? Where you from?” the British guy walked up. I see the ladyboy that he was making out with acting a little strange. There was some tension in the air. He might have said a bad joke and killed the mood, or there were some budget issues.


“Where’s that?” he must have just been drunk enough to not hear me.

“Hollywood sir. Where are you from?”

“Whoa okay, I’m from Medina north of Mecca in Saudi Arabia.” I’m not sure if he was bullshitting me at this point. Hard to tell sometimes coming from old drunk British guys.

“No shit, man?”

“Aye, I have tell you something, that is a ladyboy you are talking to.”

“What?” I’m confused as shit now. Mostly in disbelief that this beautiful woman is probably sporting a brown dick.

“Yes mate, she’s got a cock.”

Now I had the confirmation and had the thought sink in for a moment.

“Hey man, thank you for looking out.” I said putting my hand forward to give him a fist bump. He raised his wobbly drunk fist and gave me the bump back. He then walked off into dark.

“What you guys talk about?” the lady in the red dress asked.

“He tell me, that you have a dick.”

“What? I don't understand.” her calm demeanor changed instantly, raising my suspicion even more.

“Do you have a hum? Are you a boy?”

“No I’m not.”

“Well the man tell me you are.” I’m staring intensely now trying to catch any subtle reactions. She’s squirming quite a bit.

“Yes I am a man...”

“Really?! You are so beautiful, you could have fooled me!”

“Sorry I not tell you.” I can truly see the shame and disappointment in her eyes. I wanted to be a gentleman about the whole thing. And more importantly not end up getting mugged my pissed off ladyboys.

“Excuse me I need to use the bathroom. Where’s the Hong Nam?” here was my smooth escape plan.

“I can show you.” oh shit now I have to walk with a ladyboy for a block. She insisted on holding my hand. And I being the sweet gentlemen I am when the time calls for it, decided to grab her smooth man hands and escort her to the restrooms with me. That was a weird walk. I was hoping that no one I knew from California made a random visit to Bangkok, or saw any young Aussies and Brits that would give me a weird look.

We made quick small talk along the way and arrived at the public bathroom on the side of the road. I had a quick thought, “what bathroom is she going in?” Well obviously, she went into the lady's room and she was very passable, and quite frankly one of the hottest women I’ve ever met, besides having the wang part. I took a quick piss, and waited for her to get out. She walked out giving me a beautiful smile and we went back towards her bar. By this time I started to feel pretty damn tired, and a little sick.

We arrived back at the outdoor roadside bar and I asked her if she could get me a Taxi.

“Sorry I have to go I’m not feeling to good.” I was being honest. We went onto the main Sukhumvit Road where she flagged down a couple of taxis asking for meter. I eventually got me one.

“Kawp koon kup! You are truly beautiful good luck in the future. Maybe in another life okay.” I stroked her thick man hair one more time and give her a quick hug. I’m pretty sure I didn’t kiss her.

The taxi driver of course was a dickhead who thought I was some drunk homosexual. Fuck that dude. I showed him the address to my hotel on Soi 4 that I wrote on a piece of paper. The ride back was probably around 5-10 minutes and it’s around 3 AM by now. My head was surprisingly dizzy considering I only had 4 beers. As the taxi got to my alleyway leading up to Boss Suite Nana, I had to pay up the money. It was probably around 150 baht. The scary part was I started to have issues counting the money. It was like I was completely blacked out on 4 beers. The dickhead taxi driver didn’t have any change when I showed up a 1000 baht note. So, I kept looking and found a 500 baht note. And no luck. I swore I made sure to have the right amount of currency before I left my hotel! I then managed to find the correct amount as the taxi driver sort of pointed to the increments that I needed. Strange I’m actually quite good at drunk math.

Stumbling out of the taxi and onto the alley way. I didn’t really think about too much. I don’t remember going up to my hotel room. But I do remember waking up very late and feeling completely destroyed but I had a mission to go to Pattaya today so I quickly packed my bags and headed down to Ekkamai bus station on a twisted hangover.

It took me while before I realized I got drugged that night by someone. Or it might have been that fish I ate the previous morning.

Chapter 8: Fucking a Ghost

I rented a room in the haunted Nana Hotel to record some clips for a music video. I didn’t actually have the song or anything yet but, I had a vision, baby! I recorded snippets in the room of various things I thought looked cool. Recorded the never-ending sea of traffic trying to merge onto Sukhumvit road. Did some drunk twisted selfies in the camera trying get some sexy bad ass shots.

I would drop down to Hooters for a drink before heading back up the elevator, practice some simple blues licks from Howling Wolf. Head back to down to Hooters and tell a girl named May that I was some bigtime singer from America. I sang her a little bit and she laughed. She agreed to go to eat food with me afterwards. Except I triple booked my arrangements that night with some GoGo bars so I never ended up seeing her! I regret that as I didn’t have much chances to get with her after that. She would soon find a new job away from Nana Hooters. I was glad for her. I would later meet her friend Jasmine and confess my crush to May. She gave me her Instagram but, I wasn’t the type to creep on her like that.

It was a sad thing to find out that May had left. I actually came back to Thailand at least three times with winning her heart on my mind before I found out she had changed jobs. I have a feeling that part of Bye Angel was written for her, and a few other girls of course.

One of my bookings was to go into Nana Plaza to check out some chicks. I soon got bored of the endless techno.

To kill sometime I went to visit Woonzin at the bar diagonally away from May at Hooters waiting for her to get off. She really wanted to meet up with me as she needed some kind of sponsor for her bills. I was with Woonzin and her little “sister”. I wasn’t actually in that big of the mood to get at Woonzin as May was the fire of my eyes. My Hooters girl of the year.

We went to some shitty hip hop bar that served hookahs and played music on some overly distorted speakers. It was one of the African clubs on Soi 4. Probably one of the last African clubs there before the police started targeting them for selling cocaine and pimping. I believe Woonzin was getting hired there later on that week to be one of the stage dancers. From the pictures looked like a hell of a time, turned out she was actually pretty damn lesbian and was humping and kissing all of the other girls. I was actually trying to go but I was probably busy drunk, banging, or just got the date confused. Most likely all three.

I’m having enough of the time in this bar, the dude to girl racial was pathetic for Bangkok. Still saying a lot compared to western parties. I said bye to Woonzin and her friend as I was keeping a very close eye on the time.

I hid for a bit outside the bar pretending I have to go to the ATM. When the coast was clear of Woonzin and her friend I ran over to the Hooters to wait for May. She wasn’t there. I missed my chance. I waited for more 10 more minutes. No one came out. The brestaurant was already closed. She told me was indeed waiting for me I would find out a couple of days later.

Going back to the hotel was disappointing. I was alone in Bangkok chasing after a girl of my dreams. I played a couple of chords on my guitar, Hey Joe, getting the first slide from the 3rd fret of the B-string to the 5th fret. It was a boring practice I wasn’t any good yet, but it did help me wind down and fall asleep.

I must’ve been asleep for an hour before hearing a knock on the hotel door.

It was a lady dressing in a tight silk dress.

“Hi you look lonely.”

“Tonight I am.”

I blacked out some more.

She took me to the wall and closed the door.

She thrusted her hips back and forth robbing the top of her wet clitoris on the smooth side of my fingers. Her moves were well timed and placed. The girl's mouth curled inwards. I was not ready for what she would do next.

With her swift elegant hands my zipper was down and shirt was off faster than the Mekong in August. I was going back and forth out of a red wine induced coma. Her breasts blurred in and out as if I was in a TV movie. Lushes dark brown nipples with goosebumps on the outer rim. 

I'm in no control over this situation. My pants ankle high and her panties slowly coming off. I'm biting my lip in total lust. My brain was drooling with the present.

"I want you to fuck me," She curled her lips and whispered in my ear, "fuck me good."

Her red lipstick painted my neck. I'm in no control. Alcohol has casted a spell on me. I'm all hers.

I grabbed her arms by the wrist, she gave me a flutter of eyes that matched my heart beat. Attacking her neck with my watery lips and tongue, her back arched.

Slowly we made our way into the shower. She had the mannerisms of many cultured Asian women. Shower before sex. The hot warm water woke me up from limbo. My blood started flowing strong. She bent over teasing her gifts. The smoothness south of her pussy dripped with condensation and water. 

I kneeled down and teased her with a tongue followed by a swift bite on her toned soft cheeks. She had skin like dark smooth honey, caramel almost. 

She grabbed my cock on the base and elegantly teased my scrotum with the other.

"I want you deep inside me," her voice touched me, "fuck me good."

She turned around bent back over. The air was humid with an atmosphere of steam. I went in nice and slow. My body warm from the water went numb. The lady then arched her back up towards me moaned and kissed my face while tousling my long black hair. 

I started to accelerate the tempo of the dance. Smooth wet flesh spanking against each other in the steam. Moans sprinkled the beat of the music. My cock getting more vascular with every pump. The woman's pussy getting juicier with every sound produced by her lush lips.

Her movements got stronger with more force and speed. I grasp her on the back of the neck as she grabs my ass. My mind only focused on the warmth of her pussy. A sober man would have lost his reservoir by now. Red wine flowed through my cock. I am king of fuck mountain.

I wake up to the room's phone ringing. I answered with a slow groan.

"Sawadee Kup, Hello." 

"Sawadee Kaa, Check out is at 11:00 AM Mr. Jame Bon," The receptionist said politely "Your taxi driver is here, Sir."

I quickly grabbed all my belongings, guitar, camera, tablet, and journals that I had scattered across the room. Left a 20 baht tip in the bathroom.

My driver was my old buddy Mr. Udom.

"Weird fucking dreams man!" I laughed to Udom.

Chapter 9: The Banana Tree Ghost

Mesmerized by the song I walk towards it. I discovered a small stilt house elevated in the middle of the banana tree forest.  I was out peeing on the land behind my mothers that night. I must have been quite blown from drinking the cannabis tea my mom made me for my dick after some lady in Bangkok bit it. Not being able to pee straight sucked and I didn't want to pee all over my mom's bathroom.

I walked to the boarder of our farm. Then I knew what the song came from when the first moment I saw its powdered up light skin face. 

When I was a little boy I saw the most elegant looking woman standing in my father's banana gardens. Hugging the tree just staring at me. Long lush black hair, pale face, small nose, and with high feminine cheekbones. I ran inside the house quickly to get my parents to show them the lady in our yard. When they came out. She was gone. Every time I came out with my dick rag before a shower the ghost would reappear. I had to get my dad, sister, or mom to wait for me outside of the shower. The shower was separated from the house during that time so it was a little hop and a skip to get over to the toilet. My dad didn't like people coming into the house so it was a good to keep the bathroom separate.

I was thinking maybe this was the same banana tree ghost that was trying to lore me back. I was as older man now, how bad could she possibly be? She looked sweet, much kinder than some of the Bangkok girls I've ran into. Plus I could tell her hey I was that little boy a long time ago. I've fucked enough ghosts by this time already, one more probably wouldn't hurt.

The lady walked down the stairs of the stilt house smoothly. Her old Esan plaid wool cloth were wrapped around her perky breasts. Her striking kind eyes will fool you. Maybe an old Girlfriend from the past life would of given you the same stare. I knew my senses well as these were the same vibes that I experienced in my childhood. I slowly backed up. The gorgeous woman then gave me a quick smirk. Her eyes got wider. A concerned look came upon her face as her sharp eyebrows slanted inward toward her nose. I backed up faster.

THUMP! My back hits a cold immovable object. The back of my shirt instantly got soaked in a layer of liquid. My nose quickly picked up a recognizable stench. The mustiness of the situation gave it away and I realized what it was. Blood. A sharp screech rang up in the back on my ears.

"FUCK!" I was done for I thought. Quickly turning around, I found to my greatest horror. The creature of my non-erotic nightmares. A levitating ghoul. Long fucked up black hair, fucked up bangs, shitty-ass breath, and lower body missing.

"Son of a bitch!" I cursed staring at the foul-mouth cunt of an entity. The chambers of the heart were still beating in syncopation. The King of the Underworld would be proud of her fecal oozing intestine.

The floating cunt smiled at me showing decaying snagged razor-sharp teeth, her tongue sticking out like Satan's Knights. With adrenaline now pumping through my stiff fists, I punch her in the lower jaw. The viscous malnourished blood from her tongue squirted out onto my chest. Sensing that the beast is probably really wanting to devour me now. I quickly side stepped, juked and spun my way from the body-less monster. 

This thing was fast! It emitted a green glow as it chased me. I weaved in and around trees with my knees pumping as hard and high as possible. I was able to gain some distance as the hungry ghoul was not agile. She traveled faster in straight path's, as she has a problem decelerating.

The creature rose up high in the atmosphere. I soon found the entity camouflaged herself with the stars. It was very hard to pick her out from the cosmic noise. She was a satellite ready to crash down and rip my neck open for a fresh meal. I'm fumbling for my cellphone to call for help. No service. "Cock sucker!"

I turned off my flash light. Going stealth mode now. Getting down low I crouched my way through the thick lemon grass. I hunkered down below the roots of a Bodhi tree. The roots acted as an organic bunker. Small slots where the roots branched off acted as my peep holes. I heard a sharp screech again. A green light slowly descended down into the tree top of a nearby mango tree. She was 20 yards away from me. The green glow dimmed and vanished.

She was either waiting for me to make a move, or she was maneuvering her way slowly down the tree. I was going to die if I stayed under the Bodhi tree. I wasn't going to make it back onto the main road or back to the temple if I made a run for it.

I have to kill the ghoul.

I wasn’t sure if I was smelling the ghost’s actual cunt-cunt or it was the rubber tree farm that was about 20 yards away from. Or maybe it was me shitting my pants. Or worse maybe there was something else stocking me. Whatever it was the smell got worse. Smelled like a thousand hungover night club vaginas cooked in the sun.

Times like this you fucking start praying and wished you read all of the spiritual texts; just in case there was something in them about killing one of these ghouls. There must have been some ancient Sanskrit line that the monks chanted. Something like “grab it by the asshole, grab it by the asshole, grab it by the asshole.”

Wait, hold on! If I’m smelling pussy and I saw its anus hanging out and this thing has a huge tongue. I think I’m on to something. Brilliant! It must be a lesbian ghoul.

When you are in a paranormal activity you have to size up the facts as quickly as possible. You have to know the ghoul. Get inside its head. What is it? What does it want? And why?

Well it definitely wants to kill me. Why? Because I’m a guy and I came walking straight into a banana tree ghost trap.

I came up with my plan of action. I began sprinting 20 yards to the rubber trees. The ghoul actually made it right above me on the other side of the tree I was at. Waiting for me to run and have my back turned.

It floated after me going at least 20 MPH. Right when it was about to get to me, I stopped on a dime curled up on my knees and punched it right in its ovaries while it was trying to decelerate. 

It screamed, hollered cursed in some ancient Lao dialect. Diarrhetic shit oozed out everywhere. The ghoul floated up into the air and screamed even louder. I got up and realized then that there was another coming after me. The original bitch that I punched. Oh shit!

I grabbed a stick near me, I dipped it in the white sap of the rubber tree collecting in a small container wrapped around the trunk. It smelled like a trillion pink socks. Perfect. Going to the next tree I grabbed a hand full and rubbed the tree cream all over my face. I gagged thinking about all the nasty vaginas there has to be in the universe.

“Lick me now!” I yelled at the ghoul. Hopefully it understood some English. It came in hot tongue pointed, glowing and dripping with green gonorrhea slime. I flung the stick with rubber tree blood all over the ghoul. It hissed flee up high and spat out greener cum.

“Lick on that fucker!” then it did the unimaginable. It started growing bigger and bigger. Probably not a good thing but I took it as an opportunity.

I quickly ran back towards the old jungle temple. It must have been my fastest 200 yard sprint. I heard screams and shouts throughout the night. The two ghouls were still very much after me. They couldn’t come anywhere near where I was as the monks blessed the place when I was a kid.

I spent the rest of the night covered in the smell and would wake up thinking it was some STD on my dick, or if I accidentally pooped in the middle of the night. The mosquito didn’t even bother with me curiously. The flies loved it though.

My mom actually gets up pretty early during the rubber harvest. So I was able to come out of my hiding. I never hear about these types of ghouls messing with old Thai ladies, I thought. There must be some kind of mutual respect between them. My mom was mostly pissed that I used up her rubber tree sap and told me to be more careful next time and how I shouldn't drink so much. And why do I smell like pussy? Gotta love Esan women.

Chapter 10: Fuck You Old Man!

I had a reunion with Tom, a teacher in Bangkok. We met quite a few moons ago and shared a high tolerance for beer. You can call that good Bangkok buddies. What I liked about Tom compared to the regular visitors I met around South East Asia was that this motherfucker went to school. He wasn’t just a run of the mill motherfucker. He was the motherfucking motherfucker who had business in mind! We actually met on Soi Cowboy of all places. I was just making my rounds of drinking beer and bird watching. Trying to get the latest gossip on the whole City of Bangkok. When a god damn Texan walked up. Tom of ofcourse.

Honestly, I would’ve thought he was just some California cat until I saw that dude drink. It was a match made in the City of Angels. Drunkenness and club hopping soon ensued. Maybe another chapter if he lets me talk about it. But it was a good one that involved some good and bad women.

Fast forward, a year, I think. We met up again in Nana. The Sports Pub Bar. The bar Panida worked at so I knew some girls to wingman for him. One of them actually turned out to be a Bangkok Pornstar that had over 1,300,000 views on xvideos.com but I won’t mention her real name at all. Let's just call her Frienida, Panida’s friend. Frienida, was an average sized Thai girl who liked to drink and eat a lot. She actually would have been quite a good girlfriend in Texas if she ever made it there. Good fucking rack too, I must admit. Definitely Hooters material if I were the manager.

Well I forgot what the fuck happened. Panida might have not been working that night or something, I don’t know or there was a bar fine involved with Frienida. Tom is a good man. We agreed to dip to the gentlemen’s club. Bar fines are for drunk fucks and losers. 

The night was fucking young! Being young is worth more than a million bucks said a retired old fart to me one time in Pattaya, during my early days of traveling. I live by it, and make sure I celebrate hard to make my youth last! The irony of being an alcoholic. Like grandpa, like father, like son and daughter. We definitely pissed out the 8th sea. Surely out of my asshole the first time I ate some raw fish in Thailand. Aye, fuck it call us the pioneers.

Well back to debauchery, Tom and I walked back Nana Plaza. Specifically Rainbow 2. 

Amnesia surely was a part of this chapter. We ran into some Americans in the hallways leading up to Rainbow 2.

“Yoo fuckers lets go in Rainbow 2!” I yelled in excitement. I have a good strong inspirational American voice that commands a drunken herd I’ve realized. The group of four rowdy first timers led the way. Tom and I commanded a drunken gang of horny men. We both had basic knowledge of Thai and great command of the American English language.

I consider Rainbow 2 the Japanese trap. The orange-reddish lighting makes the brown Thai girls very light skinned. Different from our mother stars light. And this club tended to have the more petite girls in here from what I’ve heard anyways. 

This a was a rowdy bunch of Americans. Four fuck heads, I recall. Punching each other in the nuts still at an adult age. I loved it personally I thought it was hilarious.

Tom the teacher, had a better head than me in these types of situations. I laugh in chaos for some fucked up reason, I don’t know why. Maybe I love the good stories. I don’t want to be that guy sitting in a fast food restaurant talking about how some laggy gameplay fucked up his big 10 kill streak in some FPS game. Tom wasn’t that either but, he knew the good balance this night. Never trust a big group of ball punching friends. It’s just too easy to screw someone over in these types of situations. It’s a hard balance to realize when you are traveling. I believe in the buddy system not the big group system. It’s like Aldrin and Armstrong, it doesn’t take much to make a good night. More dudes more problems. More chicks, great fucking problem.

I believe I told them about the Super Pussy show. And they were totally down to go. I wanted to go back for memory sakes. Tom didn’t like this group for sure, so we bailed on them. Great Bangkok move, if you don’t like anyone or it is a sketchy situation. Fucking BAIL! Walk out onto the street pretending like you got some fucking business, and bail! “Hold on I have to call my drug dealer back!” Find out any excuse to get on that street and bail. If you get anything out from this journal, it’s my two-story rule and the Bangkok bail rule. It will save your drunken life.

We got some distance from Nana Plaza, and pulled out some vapes and smokes in front of the Sports Pub Bar. Some Old Irish fucker sat out on the outdoor beer bar, and was mean mugging us. Tom and I were minding our own business, I swear. Sucking on our vapes and cigarettes, looking for women.

“Aww you fuckin’ twats and your puffs!” said the old Irish.

“Who the fuck are you?” responded Tom.

“Keep sucking on those fags, you fucking faggots! Haha!”

I had to jump in this situation and do what I’m the best at. Say some fucked up awkward shit.

“Aye you old fucking cunt, at least we don’t got a loose butthole!” I yelled back.

“Aye maybe I do!” said the Irish, clearly puzzled. One thing Generation Z and Millennials are good at is talking mad fucked up shit.

A Thai bargirl watching the whole thing on the side. Very serious about the situation from what I saw from her face. She probably recognized Tom and I and wanted to defuse the situation. Even though we knew better.

“Kon BA! He Crazy! Don’t talk to him!” said the Thai bargirl. Interestingly the Irish fucker didn’t talk back. I guess she and I hit a loose spot.

Chapter 11: Back to Debauchery, Baby

I knew my time was running out. I had to live life to the fullest. Couldn’t settle down with the wrong lady as I could be leaving fortunes behind. Not my fortunes, even though I had enough to brag for my age group of a 23-year-old at the time. I worked long and hard hours. Many nights I didn’t sleep waiting for emails and phone calls. And I was actually quite sober during those times, until the helicopters came. Another story for a different journal. However, in the face of danger, make sure you leave no beers behind.

Me, going through a heartbreak is a train wreck to steal an overused phrase. Fuck off I’m a hopeless romantic. I tell women all the time I’m a Pisces. I eat ass baby!

I went through a big breakup around 22-23 years old. I was taking theater acting at the time. Super nerdy I know. But I fucking loved it. Especially the improvisations. I absolutely aced those. Had the whole class feeling it. However, when it came to actually acting, I guess charisma is my nervous twitch. Plus, I like to stay up all night playing rock and roll with Marvin, go to work, and show up to class a little buzzed, due to a pit stop I did along the way to school. I would smoke a vape and maybe pop an Adderall. Damn I’m ready for Hollywood!

Well my acting took a big hit going through the breakup with Mary. I don’t know how the greats do it. Or even politicians in that matter, when they have problems at home. Well it sucked. I was downing a shit ton of Heineken during that time. Just writing Heinekens makes me want to go on a beer run. During one of my pitstops between work and school I decided to down a couple of Heinekens, well it was actually my usual routine. I was so sick that one Heineken gagged me and I started upchucking, and maybe even puking, and I never puke unless it's a stomach infection or tequila. 

One of the things I remembered was my cat Kee Bon coming to the rescue through a worrisome meow. He looked at me as if he was crying too. An intense lock held his eyes. He felt my pain, that damn cat. If he didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be so kind to him when he wakes me up at 5 am begging for the food. Or maybe would still be alive...

I soon quit the class and headed back to Thailand for some debauchery and business. Work wasn’t that good during the time in California for me either. I had to bounce for a bit and get my head clear. Thailand is the best for a heartbreak. Not during a during a breakup! But after one. Have to get your shit straight before you go to Thailand before you end up regretting what you did. Mary just wasn’t having it anymore and my buddy Marvin saw her at another restaurant with a guy so I dipped out of the country.

I wasn’t running away from my problems. I needed some therapy, maybe a good massage, and spending the whole day at a cheap bar. I was ready once I heard the news that Mary moved on. It was only a 3-month relationship and I truly loved her. She told me to go to school for my music, stop buying music equipment, and stop drinking beer. I didn’t agree with any of those character faults. I just made 4,000% increase on my cryptocoins investments and I was on my way of getting promoted to manager in my department. I went to a community college. Okay that’s actually not that hot because I’m a loser and couldn’t make it to an actual university. Why go to school to play music when they aren’t going to teach me how to play like Jimi Hendrix? Or sing like Bon Scott?

Well I was going to prove her wrong by going to Bangkok, and really buckling it down this time! That’s what I always say going into Bangkok. I have better luck in Pattaya sometimes of focusing I must admit.

Arriving in Bangkok the first night, I went straight to debauchery. I believe it was in record time! I wish I timed it on how fast I could end up in a GoGo bar after an international flight. From my future timings I believe I can make it to Nana within 1 hour. My later calculations and timing I estimate it to be no more than 45 minutes.

Chapter 12: I'm the Wolfman, Baby

I bought this scary looking werewolf mask for Halloween for Thailand in 2019. It was the best and worse idea I had ever had as I explained to my dad. It was a $20 misshapen beast face, with a huge tongue coming out. I later had a bar girl cut out the whole in the mouth to be bigger for drinking beers. Again, that was the best and worst idea I had ever had.

I spent most of that morning to evening drinking beers with an Australian man who had spent quite some time in Southeast Asia. I’m honestly very jealous the Australians have this easy access to Thailand. I’m not too jealous over the strength of their currency in 2019 though. It was one of those days where I was going through a bunch of Heinekens. I was also fresh off the plane so my spirits were high and I had that fire in my brain! My body was fresh and in shape for drinking as well. The irony of working out and jogging is that I can party more, and trash my body harder and somehow survive. I guess that’s why many rockstars end up going vegetarian or vegans.

The Aussie and I had a DJ request battle. See who can come up with a good song to share the other guy and we’ll talk about the story behind the songs. It was a good time. He loved Queen, I loved Oasis. The drinks started flowing more and more now that I had a buddy to talk to about rock n’ roll. Soon the sun was setting and the moon was coming up. That’s when the wolfman began to appear more and more. Every time there was a cheers, I would put the mask on and drink. Well the drinking later on ended up becoming straight chugs. The whole Heineken bottle would be consumed straight without any hassle. It went down good especially with the wolf mask on.

After a few more rounds of beers in the evening at the Hilary 4 bar, I was ready for the final transformation. I told the Aussie and our hostesses that I’ll be back. Running back to the hotel I had the hotel manager put the strap on my black jumbo acoustic guitar and I was back to the bar somehow. To make sure my eyes couldn’t be seen under the mask I put on some shades. And to be even more badass I put another pair of shades on my collar of my black t-shirt to hang from, just for a fashion statement. 

Getting back from Hilary 4 I stormed the stage where the DJ was. Kicked him out of his booth. Got on the Mic and tried to play Bye Angel. I only got one chord in after a bunch of buildup poses and photos by the rest of the customers before security latched on to my arm and dragged me off stage. My shades around my collar fell off onto the floor I quickly stomped on them. I then went storming out of the bar. Dropping another pair of shades as I ripped off my mask because I couldn’t see shit outside and stomping on the other pair before quickly running off into the night and straight back to my hotel, as I had a feeling, I left without paying my bill.

As I snuck into the alley leading up to my hotel, I noticed a few cops coming around the corner of the alley behind me. I picked up pace and took the elevator to my room. I soon barricaded myself on the top floor of the hotel holding a glass cup next to the door waiting to fuck up any cop the enters. I stayed in there for another 10 minutes before I decided, fuck it the cost is clear. I left the wolf mask back in the room and decided to go eat something to sober up.

Going down the lift my hotel was just loaded with cops! Every fucking top floor had them. I’m not the one that sweats the small stuff or freaks out in this pressure so I calmly carried on with my business and walked down to Bus Stop restaurant. I ain’t the wolfman baby!

I would later find out that the police were actually there for the ASEAN meeting on November 2-4 in Bangkok. In my drunk mind I was Bangkok’s most wanted. The Wolf of Nana. The one who didn’t pay for his beers and played two chords before getting kicked off stage. Becoming a fugitive rockstar doesn’t happen by chance. It is a fire in my brain that I ignited through drinking alcohol. I am you as you are me, baby!

After eating carbs and grease, and heckling at some Thai guys dressed as a Chinese dragon. I soon decided to go back to the hotel and retrieve the wolf mask. This time with no guitar. I’m going to the GoGo to visit a girlfriend of mine. Well a couple of girlfriends but one I used to take care of before she became a GoGo dancer. Not saying I broke up with her but, it does get in a way of a potentially serious relationship when your girlfriend ends up being a dancer. Relationshits, huh?

Walking up to the Butterflies club on the top floor of Nana Plaza I was still James as usual. As I reached the front entrace I dropped to my hands and knees in front of the bouncers, pause, and did my transformation. The bouncers went nuts and escorted me right inside. As I entered stumbling as I couldn’t see shit, I made my way to the the front row with all the girls. The girls were all dressed as some kind of undead, joker, vampire like creatures. It was actually pretty hot I’m not going to lie. The girlfriend wasn’t there so I had a free ticket to check out other girls. I ordered a Heineken, of course all eyes were on me during these initial moments. When the Heineken came I quickly fucking wolfed that bitch down and the fucking club erupted in cheers and excitement! Fuck, I guess rockstars and wolfmen are the same after all.

Chapter 13: I'm Jesus Christ, Baby!

I met Joseph the Universe on the second night of fighting jet lag in Bangkok. This was around Halloween. And he convinced me that I was fucking Jesus Christ the biggest rockstar ever. I usually don’t believe in fake hippie dippie shit. It frankly pisses me off when people begin to talk about the Universe in some soft spiritual way. I liked a realist, the Universe is a fucked up cruel place. You kill or be killed.

“Aye you from Scotland?” said a gray beardy old man walking the street in a heavy Scottish ascent.

“No actually I'm American,” I was doing my usual mid-day animal watching sitting there drinking beer watching traffic at the bar across from Hooters, “But I am part Scottish.”

“Aye I recognize those fucking cheekbones, mate!”

“Where you going?”

“Going play some pool, right down the street!”

“I’m waiting for a friend,” I think.

I would later catch up with him drunk as shit like a true Scotch-Irish Asian motherfucker. I formed a crew of drunken bargirls earlier with Panida and a few of her girlfriends. She knew everyone it seemed like so I was in good hands when I partied with her, except for the amount of drinks we would end up buying. She always had the best intentions for me I feel like, and had a hot head. Well especially towards my drunk ass. She for some reason always wanted to hang out with me. Probably because I can drink a shit storm and she would get commission off of the drinks. We started getting the fucking floats and beer boots this time. Loaded to the brim with 350 Baht worth of Chang. Great deal but bad idea.

By the time we reached Joseph a few bars down. I ordered another big beer boot float. Well Pan did, she controls most of my finances when we go out. She was drunk that night talking shit about me to some young dude as usual. I noticed this was her way of showing affection. She loved to talk shit about me. Of course to me as well.

“He come to my sister’s wedding, and get very drunk started kissing everyone!” she told some skinny tech worker.

“Why you do that? That’s not good!”

“The singer had big tits.” I said.

“James this is my good friend. He work here in Bangkok,” Pan said, her tone wasn’t the most polite of the Thai ladies I met, “He come with some of us to for a vacation in Phuket.”

“Fuck Phuket, I love Bangkok!” I blurted, the dude was a pussy I thought. I was the tough true American Thai working in America making my mark in Tech and Music fuck this flaming dick diseased dude.

I haven’t made it to Phuket yet. I sort of wanted to but, I always had some missions in Esan to deal with. I wasn’t really on vacation. I was here to play rock n’ roll. Then go see my mother. Then play even more rock. Then hit the clinic for some antibiotics after some food and alcohol binge.

Anyways, I’ve been chillin’ with the Common Wealth all day talking shit with our smug asses. We loved to complain about everyone else. Our own countries, our hotel, our pets, our stupid friends who didn’t want to come to Thailand, and we complained about Thai women whom we loved. These talks never got anywhere except ends up in some self-realization and joke about the contradictions in life and how stupid everyone else is except for the ones sitting at the table currently. When they get up to the pisser we even hate on them. You can't trust people out here.

I ended up at the pool table next to Joseph offered him the big beer collection I had. The money in beer that I gave to Joseph that night was probably worth more than any investment I have ever made. As a business venture it was also the craziest. The contradictions in life makes its rear end here and there like one of those great yogi’s once said, "how come you can get more drunk drinking from your ass than from your mouth? Did the Universe and God forget to code that into the simulation?"

Joseph didn’t really answer those questions. And my philosopher stones between the knees thought the answer was in Nana just like Joseph’s fire in his brain. It turns out Joseph was an author who wrote a fucking poetry book! But hold on. This wasn’t just any poetry book it had poetry from other people, this was a blank travel bar journal he carried in his man sack.

The Lamp.

“I’m Jesus Christ! I’m the son of the Universe and so are you!” Joseph said, “I got a fucking fire in me brain! I am you and you are me and we are all together!” He had crazy bright blue stimulated eyes.

“How did you get that fucking fire in your brain?”

“I just have it!”

“I felt that fire too but its ‘cause I took a bit of drugs.”

“Me too I took all the hard shit except for LSD!”

“If you’re Jesus Christ how come you are in Nana of all places?”

“Jesus Christ was surrounded by prostitutes!” He explained going over the probability of how the apostles were prostitutes. 

“Damn so was Buddha in the early days!” I laughed making sure no Thai person realized what we were saying. Panida was getting mad as I was paying more attention to a crazy drunk old philosopher than her and her drunk friends that were crying because they got into some lesbian break up.

“So how do I become the best musician ever?” I asked.

“Well you fucking are! Just believe and you will become!” crazy bastard had me convinced at this point that I was Jesus Christ the greatest rockstar ever. Sound familiar? This was the beginning of the end.

Chapter 14: A Butterfly With a Broken Wang

By the time I made it to Jomtien I developed a severe dick infection. I had a drunk night in Bangkok that ended up with a bite to the johnson. I wouldn’t go into too much detail. It wasn’t that bad but fuck did it make peeing a nightmare. Sitting down was the only way to make sure I didn’t spray the wall or the guy next to me.

Now that I had a broken wang, I could focus on the more important things in life rather than getting laid. I decided that I needed to start working again. Make some money.  

My Pakistani business friend, Kiani, and I were on the hunt to make some doe. I just needed more beer money. We decided to get into the Pattaya condo game. We got suits made and headed to the Money Tower. Kiani was new to the Condo agent game. I was going to be one of his first big prospect. An American computer programming whiz kid from San Francisco was who I was playing as. Well a drunk kid from San Francisco anyways.  

The first spot only served little orange juice cups and stupid candy straws. Super delicious not going to lie. But I wanted beer and to meet some sexy Thai condo agents in short skirts. Also, the more they showed me around, I was honestly considering maybe I should get a condo. But I honestly hate the idea of living in a condo. I find it so depressing to live in such a tight space. Growing up in Northern California and Esan really spoils you.

We ended up at a new construction site for a mega condo. I heard there was something like 40,000 rooms. Ridiculous. No way did I want that. But I did enjoy looking at the Russian and Thai women serving me drinks. So I kept the game up. We watched a video on the other projects. I really liked this Greek themed place. I loaded up on the San Miguel Lights and headed to what could possibly be yours truly's new compound.

There were canals going between each building. All named after Greek gods. There was a beautifully hidden underground parking garage that I had my doubts about. I kept on asking the other agent to show me the parking. He kept avoiding it. My suspicions increased. He bragged about how this company was the only one that was able to keep an underground parking garage from flooding in Pattaya. I don’t know about that. Water is a force of nature you simple human. It will find a way to get through, and it’s going to fuck my imaginary Porsche that I’m going to be parking here. So please show me the damn parking garage!

“I think you will really like this room.” said the Filipino agent, Pong. He walked with a limp that he got from a motorcycle accident.  

“Oooh, yeah this is nice!” I laughed. I had a brilliant night and was still buzzing from the Escobar that I played some music at last night.

“Look at this view!” said Pong smiling.  

“Oh yeah I like it man. I think this one is better than the other ones. I can even watch other people have sex in their room from here.”

“Oh no you can’t they are blocked!” Pong was caught off guard and took him a bit to sell the room. I have a feeling you can still see through the tint. Plus, sex is better with the blinds open. Yeah, I’m that guy. As Runkle said in Californication, “It keeps me in the game.”

I enjoyed Pong he was quite friendly. Not the most professional guy. Can’t expect too much in Pattaya I suspect.

The beer was wearing off and we needed to go refuel at the headquarters with the sexy condo agents. I’m sort of bummed they didn’t have a sexy condo agent come along with us. For a country that understands casual sex like no other, sometimes they disappoint me on how backwards they are. In America, we do things the right way. We send out the sexy chick to show you the pad, then when it comes down to the money talk then we have the smooth businessman step in. He’s the one you’re selling your life to for a commission.

You see some guys want to fuck so terribly bad that he ends up getting fucked. If you spend enough nights in Pattaya you will find these poor souls. I’m not one of them, baby. Not yet anyways. Maybe one day I’ll be those dried up walking dead sex addicts. But not today. The butterfly has broken its wang and I can see the world again. Albeit a blurry one.

As I’m walking back into the headquarters, I was greeted by Mr. Tom. He was a short mid aged Indian man that spoke 13 different languages. He wore these pants that were just a size too big around the waste. I had Kiani look at the pants for him. Kiani ended up getting a new customer to his Tailor shop. Pong was talking to him a lot of the phone. Mr. Tom recently got in a motorcycle accident but rushed to meet the American whiz kid.

The Hong Kong protests were going on at the time. This time it was about the Chinese wanting the power to have Hong Kongers tried in China. Not my country not my opinion. Except maybe free Tibet. But as an American they’re all Chinese to me.

The Hong Kongers fled to Pattaya and Jomtien and were buying up entire condo floors. Just swiping their credit cards away. They were a short chubby crew of city dwellers. They wore shitty clothes. Disrespecting my act with their basketball shorts, tiny little flip flops, and black t-shirts. If I were that rich to buy up entire floors of condos without even thinking I would have been drunk off my ass on expensive wine first off. And I would be wearing some nice tailored Italian silk. With gold sweating off my rich musty nuts.

“750,000 Baht” the chubby bald Chinese guy hollered. He was trying to buy up four condo rooms for 750,000 Thai Baht each. My price was 840,000 Baht, roughly around 28,000 US Dollars at the time. Doable but the US was still in a trade war with China, and the exchanges came with an ostomy bag.

“No, no, I need to save some for my other customer. 800,000!” laughed Mr. Tom. 13 languages he said he knew but, didn’t speak Chinese. Interesting.

I enjoyed the frankness Mr. Tom gave to me. He told me to don’t buy the rooms to live in them. Buy them and rent them out. He had a family in Texas, and understood that Americans enjoyed big houses.

“Don’t let anyone try to sell you two rooms combined into one,” he said, “Get two separate rooms and rent them out to two different people.”  

I was actually thinking about it as a place for me to have my bachelor pad in Pattaya. There was an International School nearby that I could go teach English, maybe even music or even computer programming. Probably wouldn’t end too well as Walking Street wasn’t too far away.

I appreciated the honesty of Mr. Tom.

“So where’s that hot girl at?” I asked.

“Which one? There are many here.” He laughed.

I put a 200 USD reservation down for the room I wanted at the Greek place. And was dropped off at a Snooker bar near Jomtien Thani Hotel. I told them I need to think it over with some beers and talk to my family about it.

My phone rang, after a few beers. It was Kiani.

“How did it go, bro?” asked Kiani.

“Good, I’m thinking it through at the bars. Going to go play guitar in a little bit.” I replied, all warm with beer and already deep in the bar girl world.

“Alright bro take care. Mr. Tom wants your number.”

“Okay, I need to get more minutes on my phone to call him. But I’ll text you my phone number.”

“Okay, bro I’ll talk to you later.”

“See ya.”

I had moved my residency to the top of this bar. It had a room for 500 Baht a night. I figured this out by staying in the bar long enough and realized you can actually rent the short time rooms for spending the night. Quite sleazy, but if I really wanted my new Greek palace, I would need to bum it in a brothel for a while.

This girl with a Jägermeister tattoo on her arm, and a tongue ring showed me my new digs. There was a used condom filled with thick orange cum from the night before on the sink. I went down for a couple drinks, before I told one of the bar girls to go clean it up. I honestly wanted to gather some clues on who it was. I’m pretty sure it was Jägermeister's. She ran up the stairs so fast when I told her there was a condom filled with cum in the sink. We had a great laugh about it later.

Ms. Jägermeister was quite fun to drink with. Not my type but, she had some dance moves and knew how to keep up with the drinks. Day after day that’s all she did was dance, drink, and play pool. She recognized me from singing at Escobar a night ago, and we really did become great friends.  

That night her friend and her came with two British blokes to Escobar. One of them started breaking out in Old Town Horse by Lil Nas X. He was a buffer dude with a beer belly.  

He got the whole bar chanting “Imma take my horse to the old town road!” then he added his own twist, “Imma ride her good til’ she moans and crows!” Then the whole bar started chanting again.

“Imma take my hoe to the back and bone!” he started humping and thrusting at his date from behind to the laughter of the rest of the bar full of old British farts and me.

My routine for a few days were literally wake up play pool from 12PM-3PM visit Kiani. Eat Som Tom and sea food curry with Kiani. Head back to the Snooker bar. Play pool and drink more San Miguel Light from 5PM-9PM. Show up at the Escobar with my guitar play a few songs. And get shitfaced until 12AM then head to another bar with a stunning girl with big titties I met. We’ll end up cuddling as Private Johnson was still wounded from the Battle of Bangkok. Cuddling is a lost artform to many Farangs that come to Thailand. They usually blow their load and fall asleep, and wake up with a hangover, food poisoning, or with a dude. Cuddling allows for a good night's rest and keeps that testosterone levels high for rocking out night after night I soon found. Not the most optimal scenario but, I got shit done and made some doe, baby.

Chapter 15: COVID Zombies

I was following on the news for a while about the COVID zombies. Bangkok slowly started to decay. We were heading straight to a skyscraper bubble bust. Nana is falling into the sewers as the city sinks and the sea level rises. God, I sometimes miss the smell of that alley. Bottle that shit up and mix some flowers, you got yourself my new cologne I’ve been working on, SKANK.

I haven’t been to Hooters in almost 2 months now. I feel like the world is getting crazier and sobering every day. Money circulation has been slowing for the whole world. I just turned 25.

Chapter 16: Depression and Revelation

No Hooters for 3 months now. I’ve just been getting super stoned.

Chapter 17: Fever

Hooters begins massive layoffs. I’ve been getting super stoned watching Family Guy.

Chapter 18: Everyone Gets Sick

A GoGo Girl gets tested positive for COVID zombie. Bars and clubs didn’t give a shit, party continues.
Still stoned.

Chapter 19: Old Man Dies in Nana Hotel

The old fat farang started coughing loudly in the crowded gogo bar. He soon died in Nana Hotel. Party continues.
The Gates of Nana “World’s Largest Adult Playground” lost another random set of lights. Now reads, “Adult” to conserve power.

Chapter 20: Man Kills Himself

Young man kills himself jumping off the third floor of Nana. Survived the fall but soon died in the hospital due to lung collapse. Also tested positive for COVID. Nam knew the guy.

“He Chinese guy with big wang!” She said.

To be continued


About the Author

"Damn that was some good Som Tum!"

James Houston travels back in forth from California to Thailand to visit his family. In his spare time he enjoys rocking out with his band OASYC. A lover of leather pants, guitars, video cameras, and fast computers. James grew up playing a lot of Halo 3, World of Warcraft, and Call of Duty 4, which lead to his self-diagnosed shit talker syndrome. He is very addicted to Som Tum, especially Som Tum Lao. He documents his journey in the pursuit of Beer Chang, Som Tum and women. Sometimes there is music along the way that gets created. James and his friends are currently working on the Bad Reaction podcast.

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